TITLE: Untitled
GENRE: YA Historical Fiction
Lead-in: Basketball court; North Carolina; August, 1970's. It's the night before 15 year-old Beryl goes back home to Boston. Perry is a 16 year-old boy she's known most of her life and sees each summer. Maureen is her best friend in Boston.
Perry isn’t my type. He’s more like a brother. Or am I just nervous? I don’t know what my type is. If I’m not attracted to him, there must be some reason. He’s tall, good-looking, super sweet and eyelashes that last a mile. He doesn’t smell. So what’s my problem? I don’t know any black and white couples. Is that it? Sweat drips down the back of my knees. I try to scoot back an inch.
“Beryl?” he asks and rolls back toward me. He fixes his dark brown eyes on mine. The tree frogs are starting their evening chirping. The sky is almost dark. Behind his head I see that a few stars have popped up in the sky. He lets go of the basketball and leans in and kisses me softly. His lips are dry and taste salty.
“Do you want to go…somewhere?” He licks his lips.
I wipe the backs of my knees and dry my hands on my shorts. My first kiss that wasn’t during Spin the Bottle--wasn’t I supposed to feel something? Could I learn to like him? Maureen’s older sister once asked what I thought about being a nun. Maybe she could see something I didn’t.
Perry reaches for my hand. The veins snake between the muscles in his arms. But instead of wanting those arms wrapped around me, I think how jealous I am that he gets to have those muscles for basketball. I shake my head. What’s wrong with me?
“I’m leaving tomorrow,” I remind him.
This is a very unique look at a first kiss. It definitely reads YA, with the uncertainty and her reaction to the kiss.
ReplyDeleteA small grammatical bump: "He's tall, (is) good-looking, (is) super sweet and (is) eyelashes..."
Overall, I think this is really successful.
Great catch. Thank you!
DeleteI love that this feels different than most first kisses, I love perspective. It's written very well. It all feels natural. I especially like the line about being a nun.
ReplyDeleteWhen he says "Beryl" that should start a new paragraph I think. The choice of the word "rolls" when he "rolls back toward me" felt weird. Are they laying down and he's rolling over? Idk. It overall I think it's great!
Lol, yes they are on the ground. He fell into her as she was making a shot on the basketball court. Thanks so much for your feedback!!
DeleteI'm getting the impression that maybe Beryl is not into guys? Sorry if I am off base, but it feels to me like she is maybe going to be making some discoveries about her sexuality in that regard. The scene has great detail, very vivid.
ReplyDeleteYes, you nailed it. She's one of those that doesn't discover her sexual preference until after kissing/being with boys (and of course meeting the right girl) :) . i've already been told that that's unrealistic---that everyone knows when they're gay especially at 15. But I know that's always the case, so I'm hoping it works. Thanks for your feedback!
DeleteI agree with Sarah Aspen and if that is the case, this is a great lead in.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment!
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ReplyDeleteI think this is brilliant. I like your pacing, description, inner monologue and find the scene well-balanced. I like how you followed up the description of a seemingly romantic setting (frogs chirping, stars popping out) with Beryl musing that it didn't go the way she expected her first kiss would go. Good juxtaposition. The one thing I wondered about was the repetition of the word "lips" before and after the line of dialogue. I wonder if perhaps it would read smoother if you replaced the second "lip," description with a different one such as, "his lips are dry and taste salty (awesome btw) He rests his hand on my thigh (or something like that). 'Do you want to go...somewhere?' "
ReplyDeleteThanks so much! Good call on the lips. Too much lips is not a good thing. And I had already taken one lips reference out! lol. Thanks so much!!!
DeleteInstead of “he fixes his dark brown eyes on me” I think this is better: “he fixes his dark brown eyes on me, his eyelashes last a mile.” Everyone african american has dark brown eyes. Noticing his eyelashes means she is really looking at him, seeing him. You’ve captured well her hesitation, the piece is too short to know why. Is she lesbian or afraid of him being african american or is there a different guy? Even though this is only 250 words it would be helpful to focus her confusion enough that the reader understands what causes her hesitation. Then they can focus on that rather than trying to figure out what is causing the hesitation (even though she doesn’t know herself). The description of his hand is great visual.
ReplyDeleteYes, she's a lesbian, but doesn't know it. This is actually the first hint the reader gets. It's been really hard to write it as you say, so the reader knows, but the character doesn't. I'm not sure how much the reader should know at this point, but I don't want there to be confusion, either. You have given me great points to ponder. Thank you so much for your valuable feedback!
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