Title: A THOUSAND YEARS TO WAIT
Young Adult Fantasy
Reina and Quinn’s group has just escaped a surprise attack as they traveled through a mountain pass. After hard riding, they have set up camp for the night. Quinn and another companion have suffered mild wounds and Reina, as Healer, is tending to Quinn.
I continued to hold the cloth to Quinn’s face as my eyes fell upon the dark stains on his tunic.
Finally, I asked, “What happened? To what chaos did we leave you?”
Quinn did not immediately respond. Instead, he reached a warm hand up, closing it gently over mine as he pulled it down and cradled my palm in his.
“Do not ask to know the details of death, Reina,” he said, his eyes dark.
I opened my mouth to reply, but was unable to find a suitable response. Did he think me too weak to hear of death? Did he think I’d never seen it myself? It was true that most of my experiences with death were due to illness and old age, but I had seen blood, I had seen pain, and I knew what waited in the end.
“Ah, settle, Reina,” he said upon seeing the fight in my eyes. “’Twas not an insult against you.”
I did not hesitate this time. “What am I to think?”
He covered my hand with both of his, rubbing a calloused thumb lightly against my palm. “You’ve too much life within you to hear of death. I would sooner steal the song from the meadowlark than dampen your light with talk of darkness.”
Wide-eyed, I found my lungs reluctant to fill with air. “What talk is this?” I managed in a whisper.
Quinn dropped my hand.
“Antony,” he said loudly. “You’ve a wounded arm. Let Moreina tend to you.”
This line alone gave me chills
ReplyDeleteHe covered my hand with both of his, rubbing a calloused thumb lightly against my palm. “You’ve too much life within you to hear of death. I would sooner steal the song from the meadowlark than dampen your light with talk of darkness.”
Absolutely beautiful and creating a something that it would seem neither of them want to feel, and yet do. Good luck. Would LOVE to read the rest!
“Ah, settle, Reina,” he said upon seeing the fight in my eyes. “’Twas not an insult against you.”
ReplyDelete- Love the use of settle here. Such a great choice and gives the reader of this snippet a great glimpse into the world you've built.
Wide-eyed, I found my lungs reluctant to fill with air. “What talk is this?” I managed in a whisper.
Quinn dropped my hand.
- Did he hear her? What was his expression here? Give me more!! :) Beautiful writing. Formal, yet not too flowery, if that makes sense. Great job.
Favorite paragraph..."He covered...." This really captures the moment. I will admit, though, that the paragraph where she unloads all her questions pulled me out of the scene a tad, otherwise, good job.
ReplyDeleteI love YA Fantasy and this is a wonderfully intense scene.
ReplyDeleteA few technical suggestions:
- A gaze falls upon things, having your POV character's eyes fall on someone may be a completely different action than intended.
- Beware repeated use of words and phrases because they lose their impact. "hear of death"/"details of death" is repeated and "talk" is repeated in places that take away from the impact of your scene.
Also...
"Instead, he reached a warm hand up, closing it gently over mine as he pulled it down and cradled my palm in his. "
I can feel the intent in this sentence and it is so key to the tension you're building here. It is somewhat awkward though and you might want to consider restructuring it.
- how does she feel that his hand is warm before it's closed over hers?
- how does one palm cradle another (I picture palm-to-palm here, as one is concave to cradle the other which ...convex?), as opposed to his cradling her hand in his palm?
Overall, I am curious and would read a few pages at the beginning to see if I get hooked.
You have a decent foundation set up! The formal dialogue tripped me up a little in places, but with this being a fantasy, it's not out of place in the least.
ReplyDeleteI think where you can really flesh this out and give this scene even more punch is to filter in more of an emotional response from Reina. Is she tired? Is she scared or mad or...? We get a little bit of it already, but adding a few lines throughout will make all the difference, especially when he's telling her to settle or cradling her hand (both should prompt a reaction, though what type depends entirely on what kind of character Reina is and the depth of her feelings for him).
I am curious about what they were up to, and what comes next, so I'd probably keep reading a little bit beyond this point.
I like how you use the formal language of these characters to draw the reader into this fantasy world. I agree that some phrases/ideas are overused. When Reina thinks 'Does he think me to weak to hear of death?' you could just drop 'to hear of death' without losing the meaning. Similar situation when Quinn says 'You've too much life within you to hear of death.' Drop that phrase and let him go right into the bit about the meadowlark, which is beautifully poetic.
ReplyDeleteWonderful tension, I was disappointed when Quinn broke it by calling to his comrade.
Thank you so very much for the invaluable input, everyone! I look forward to diving into revisions and seeing how I can tighten this up! <3
ReplyDeleteThis is a decent start! The prose in places feels a little stiff and self-consciously "fantasy", but that's not the end of the world... There was one particular sentence that I did trip on: "Wide-eyed, I found my lungs reluctant to fill with air." (A) The two things are not related, and (B) the "I found" construction is distancing and took me away from Reina's inner feelings just when I should be immersed in them.
ReplyDeleteYou do a very good job of showing Quinn’s feelings through his actions, particularly at the end.
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