TITLE: One of the Lucky Ones
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Annie and Liz are teens getting ready for a night out, who don't quite realize they’re in a friends-to-lovers story, yet. Annie is going to wake up in the middle of the night tonight and figure it out, which will make everything a lot worse (for a while).
Liz was sitting in the living room when I came down. As I descended the stairs (slowly, because heels) she rose and just stood there, watching me. When I reached the bottom she came to meet me in the front hall, with a look in her eyes I couldn't read. Whatever it was, it affected my breathing.
She reached out a hand, but dropped it halfway. "You look amazing."
"Thank you." I couldn't tear my eyes away from her.
"Let's check us out." She opened the hall closet, exposing the full length mirror attached to the inside of the door, and we stood side by side. She shook her head. "The mirror's not wide enough." She took a step back and moved partway behind me, so her head was over my shoulder. She rested her hand on the small of my back.
I turned so I was angled in and we made a sort of "v." This meant that her next words, "You're beautiful," were breathed into my ear. I got chills all the way down my back and to my toes, and a growing warmth everywhere else. The contrast was startling and highly distracting, as was the hand gliding across my back and around my waist. I locked eyes with her reflection and felt myself lean back into her arms.
With what was left of my breath I whispered, "So are you." Whatever I might have said or thought next, if anything, was interrupted by Dad's voice.
Lot's of tension here! Without a doubt. I think the wording gets a tad clunky toward the end.
ReplyDeleteCheck out the difference if we were to cut a few words:
I turned. This meant that her next words, "You're beautiful," were breathed into my ear.
I got chills down my back and a growing warmth everywhere else. The contrast was startling and highly distracting, as was the hand gliding across my back and around my waist. I locked eyes with her reflection and felt myself lean back into her arms.
--Okay, so I didn't end up taking out that much. I just think trying to imagine the V-shape took me out of the moment and distracted me from some of the nice tension.
Definitely great start for building the tension here. A few suggestions (feel free to ignore). There's a lot of directional language here (moving, stepping, that can detract from the tension. In some cases you can remove those without losing the goal of the scene and allow more time for how they really looked. I wanted to see how they were dressed to elicit such a visceral response. This is clearly a change in how they usually look.
ReplyDeleteLove the use of words glide, locked, chills. And, what's with Dad arriving at the wrong time :)
Tremendous tension here and it's wonderful. I agree that the only thing that really took me out of the moment was the description about the v-shape. I think if you eliminate that and describe a little more of perhaps what they are wearing or how a dress hugged a set of hips, you might even make this better.
ReplyDeleteWONDERFUL placement of Dad coming in to ruin the moment. I really enjoyed this scene! Great job.
I can easily picture what's happening. Good job! You reference breathing a few times in this short passage. Maybe use a different sense to convey your meaning.
ReplyDeleteI like what you have here! There's great tension and you can definitely feel the fragile attraction blooming between them, which is wonderfully done.
ReplyDeleteI would take a look at references to both "eyes" and "breathing" and see if you can dial those references back to one each in this scene. Change them out for other descriptors (maybe more of the dress, hair, she smells good and the heroine never quite noticed HOW good...or, alternately, the scent is something she HAS noticed and... Sky's the limit no matter which direction you go).
Also keep an eye out for passive voice in the last paragraph. The tension is good, but it could be even stronger if you keep the sentences and POV immediate and don't give the reader a chance to pull away from the story.
I would definitely keep reading!
I enjoyed this in so many ways. Great voice!
ReplyDeleteThe only question I had as I was reading this is what did Liz look like? I want to learn, through Annie, what details took her breath away. Not too many, or a full description from head to toe...just a few key details that are different from everyday-Liz's look.
From a technical perspective:
- the action falls into passive voice toward the end and I would suggest making it more active to keep the reader right there with them.
- Also, there's a lot of eye contact and breathing, perhaps give the reader some other input. Perhaps on the feel of Liz's hand on Annie's back or the warmth of them standing so close together to face the mirror? Perhaps someone's hair brushes the other's shoulder? Change up the tactile input just a bit to keep hold of this intensity between them. Or go with scent. Scent holds a lot of memories and this intimate moment could definitely be one that could be remembered later too.
- Be careful with eyes versus gaze. Gazes can meet or fall upon a thing, but if eyes fell upon a thing then we'd be in a totally different kind of story.
I am hooked and I would definitely pop back to the beginning to give this a read.
Great feedback! Thanks, everyone. Since more than one of you mentioned wanting to know what Liz looked like, I'll add that that's already covered before we get here. :)
ReplyDelete