TITLE: The Guesser - Book One in the Hangman Series
GENRE: YA Dystopian, Romance, Adventure
Hangman hangings take place around the world. Jason is a Guesser. Maydah is a Hanger. They are old friends who have reunited after a tragedy, and now are fated for love and death. Jason attends his first high school party - for Maydah’s 17th birthday. Haley and Justin are Maydah’s friends. Can Jason handle the heat on the dance floor?
I’m standing still in a sea of moving bodies. Haley hip checks me into Maydah. It breaks her dancing reverie.
“Ow!” Maydah mocks fake pain.
Haley laughs and pulls Justin closer.
“I’m sorry, someone bumped into me,” I yell.
Thankfully the DJ mixes a change in the music.
“Of course - a slow song,” I turn to leave, but Maydah grabs my shoulder.
“Get over yourself, Jason. Just-” she takes my hands and puts them on her hips, then she wraps her arms around my neck. She smells like strawberries and beer. “There. See? Not so bad.”
She hiccups. Rests her head on my shoulder.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
“Divine!” she slurs. Then she whips her head back. “Dip me!”
I barely catch her before she falls. Her body fits with mine. I like the feeling of her in my arms.
She swings her head back up and I dodge it by a hair. “You’re a dancer! A good one!” she claps her eyelashes together, and leans her head back on my shoulder.
I try to move my feet to the music but I’m basically carrying Maydah’s full weight as she leans into me, so it’s a bit of a challenge. For all of me.
“Jason?” Maydah lifts her head. Her eyes are watery. The fleck is small, but there.
“Yeah?”
“Jason…I don’t-” she parts her glistening lips, then covers them with her hands but her fingers don’t stop the puke that spews through. Onto my neck and shirt.
Oh my, puke! I had a feeling she was a wee tipsy! This scene moves fast, a bit jarring, but also I like it because that goes along with the idea of being on a dance floor. The pace works well. Perhaps expand upon the "feeling in my arms" to be more sensory. Maybe add in a bit more internal sensations of what it's like to hold her? What about her hair brushing his skin? And I'm not sure "claps" her eyelashes together is the best verb? Overall, I enjoyed it. :)
ReplyDeleteI’m standing still in a sea of moving bodies.
ReplyDelete- I like this introduction. Good sensation here.
“Ow!” Maydah mocks fake pain.
- Would maybe add her rubbing her arm or hip as another action beat.
Haley laughs and pulls Justin closer.
- Where are they in relation to Maydah? I know this is a snippet but it's helpful to get a sense of space and location.
She smells like strawberries and beer.
-Nice use of different sensations.
“Divine!” she slurs. Then she whips her head back. “Dip me!”
- Nitpick here but not sure slurs is a dialogue tag. Maybe using another sensation, how do her eyes look or is her breathing fast?
She swings her head back up and I dodge it by a hair. “You’re a dancer! A good one!” she claps her eyelashes together, and leans her head back on my shoulder.
- Not sure about the use of claps here, is she closing her eyes and keeping them closed?
“Jason?” Maydah lifts her head. Her eyes are watery. The fleck is small, but there.
- The fleck confused me here? Is that her pupils or something related to her being a Hangar.
“Jason…I don’t-” she parts her glistening lips, then covers them with her hands but her fingers don’t stop the puke that spews through. Onto my neck and shirt.
- Hahaha! That’s one way to interpret tension I like your sentence length for this. Short, choppy that supports the situation—basically yelling on a dance floor and the quick pace of the scene works well. Great read. One comment, I’ve been advised about having characters with similar names. At first, I had to re-read your intro to make sure I was getting Jason and Justin straight. Just a thought.
Not sure I've ever envisioned eyelashes "clapping." I too was confused over the similar names and reread as well. Good use of the five senses in this scene!
ReplyDeleteHi there!
ReplyDeleteMaybe try and show “she mocks fake pain.”
“mixes a change in the music” sounds like something an adult would say. I’m not sure what a teenager would say, so I can’t help there.
“Claps here eyelashes together” is an odd image. Maybe too strong for blinking heavily.
“For all of me” is great innneundo.
For some reason, describing lips as “glistening” makes me thinks she’s sweating like crazy or has just eaten something greasy. If I were Jason, I’m not sure how hot that’d be.
Funny way to wrap up the scene.
I hope some of this helps. Good luck!
Thanks everyone! :)
ReplyDeleteI thought this was a nice scene and it works overall. It could be stronger, though. The issue is telling instead of showing.
ReplyDeleteConsider your first parg. I’m standing still in a sea of moving bodies. Haley hip checks me into Maydah. It breaks her dancing reverie.
You're MC is telling us what is happening. Now imagine you're watching it on a movie screen. What would you see?
I stand still in a sea of gyrating bodies. (Moving is too generic and doesn't create a visual image. Try to use specific verbs.)
Haley hipchecks me and I stumble into Maydah. (Now Maydah would react. What does 'it breaks her dancing reverie' mean? Say that instead.) Her half-closed eyes open wider as she stumbles, too, and we clasp hold of each other, saving us both from falling.
Try doing that to every sentence (except the dialogue) and then look at the difference. The showing version will be way more visual than the telling version, and that's what you want, because readers don't have a movie screen in front of them. You have to create it in their imagination. Be specific, give details, and choose good verbs. You'll end up with a stronger mss.
This is kind of fantastic. Reminds me of The Magicians and The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
ReplyDeleteNot a bad scene at all. There are a few odd word choices - "mocks fake pain", "mixes a change", "claps her eyelashes" - that pulled me out of the moment, and I'd definitely like to see more describing of feelings (particularly "I like the feeling of her in my arms." I want to feel that WITH Jason, not just be told that he feels it.) Love the twist at the end!
ReplyDelete