TITLE: Cut To The Bone
GENRE: YA Fantasy
The soft tendrils of death wafted through the window of Azima's bedroom, but she didn't need to see the black serpentine arms spiraling through the dense evening air to know she was dreaming.
A nightmare, most likely.
She had such visions ever since her first bleeding, as had all Rousseau women when their power was on blossoming. A blessing and a curse, her mother used to say when she questioned why the dreams were stronger, more lucid at the same time every month. Of course, that was before Alara Rousseau was run through with the poisonous barb from the tail of a biju demon on Azima's sixteenth birthday.
At that time, she had two years to go before she could properly hold the holy weapons of the Rousseau family without needing to worry herself with the burns from the wards upon the palms of her hands. Even though she was now past her eighteenth birthday, the dream made her remember, and she rubbed her hands along her thighs as if to fend off the tingling of the healing wounds.
She was in the same dark dress she wore to her mother's funeral pyre- the only one she possessed. She remembered her mother’s Imerman chastising her for how revealing and inappropriate it was, and she, in turn, reminded him it was his place only to train her, not to comment on her choice of attire.
Though he sired her, he was not her father. Rousseau women did not marry.
This is beautifully written! The fantasy elements are woven well throughout the first 250 so you can easily tell which genre this is. I especially like your first sentence, though I think it might be a little long for its intended purpose. There are also a few instances where a term is thrown in that confused me, such as the biju demon and the Imerman. Maybe save those for later on when you can explain them.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy the phrases you used in your opening paragraph: “soft tendrils of death” and “black serpentine arms.” I might eliminate the word “dense,” however, so as not to have adjective overload.
ReplyDeleteThe third paragraph, with it’s well-crafted talk about the cyclical nature of Azmina’s visions and what happened to her mother.
I would probably eliminate the second paragraph: “A nightmare, most likey.”
The rest of the excerpt is fantastic!
It's all backstory. Without it, all that happens is that Azimuth wakes up from a dream. Is that what you want your first page to be?
ReplyDeleteI'm sure something more interesting will be coming up. Start there, or on the day that is different. But start with 'now.' Where is she now? What is she doing now? And save what you have here to use a bit later, but not in chapter one. Use this chapter to set the reader firmly in your world now. Intro your character, a setting, and most importantly, a problem, and if you can manage it, get them on the first page.
The dream opening and the backstory dump are pet peeves of mine lol. Because of that, I just didn't find it engaging. It was well written but I found it dragging
ReplyDeleteYou have some lovely images, but some of the sentences are a bit overly long/meandering, and I think it’s detracting from the punch. I thought it was odd to talk about her period in the very first page; I assume this is somehow the source of her power, but it still struck me as not quite clicking in this context.
ReplyDeleteIt’s unclear if she’s just awoken from a dream and the black tendrils are the remnants of it or if “She was in a dark dress” is the start of her describing her dream. And what do you mean by a nightmare, most likely? Doesn’t one very quickly know whether one is in the middle of a nightmare or not?
While the backstory is definitely interesting, I think there might be a little too much of it trying to fit into such a small space. For example, why do we need to know her dress is revealing? I like what you’re trying to do, but I’m not sure it’s quite clicking in this version.
I do love the idea that she doesn’t even think of her father as more than a sire. That’s planting an awesome seed for the reader (no pun intended).
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