TITLE: CASSIE BLACK
GENRE: Adult Domestic Suspense
Ask me what someone said during that fight we had years ago or what someone did at that birthday party when we were all kids, and I can tell you with off-putting accuracy. Unfortunately, I have a phenomenal memory. I should’ve gotten a job at a restaurant instead of this soul-sucking store. I could’ve dazzled everyone by taking even the most complicated of orders without writing down a thing.
It’s nine in the morning, and we aren’t open yet. In the break room, I’m eating toast and listening to my coworkers carry on about which of us used to be straight-A students and which of us were summer school regulars.
“Honey, my report card saw more C’s, D’s, and F’s than a bisexual hooker. You bet your sweet ass I was in summer school every year,” Clara says.
“Um, wouldn’t a bisexual hooker see plenty of A’s and B’s, too, though?” Simon asks, his feet up on the table. He catches the loaf of bread that Clara lobs at him and rests it on his lap. “What about you, Hen? Did you go to summer school?”
Henry, who’s never once called in sick and who bends to the customers like an overcooked noodle, says, “Summer school? No.”
“Cassie?” Simon pries.
Me, I just wasn’t a summer school type of gal. I was A’s and B’s all across the board. I was rarely tardy or absent. Never drank, never did drugs.
The writing is great and the dialogue feels real but I'm wondering how the memory stuff is going to tie in -- as this is the first thing you introduce about your character and then there's no pay out other than note of how bad their job is. I wonder if the memory info wouldn't be better placed a little later when it will immediately relate to the character in the moment she'll need it.
ReplyDeleteGreat points, KA. Thank you.
DeleteThe main character is interesting, and I want to know more. The setting is very realistic. I'd love a little more to hook me into how her memory is going to factor into the story.
ReplyDeleteThis is very encouraging and motivating. Thank you, Jenn.
DeleteIt’s interesting to note Cassie is unhappy she’s got a phenomenal memory as most people would jump at the chance. I'd like to find out why.
ReplyDeleteI could be wrong, but I got the impression that Simon & Clara are very much alike, as is Cassie and Henry. It’d be intrigued to see if this is the case as we’re introduced to more of the story, and if it’s relevant, which I think it is.
Overall the writing flowed nicely and introduced the reader to four main characters. The writing has my imagination working overtime, wondering what’s going to happen next. I would certainly like to read more, as without a doubt it’s piqued my interest. Well written
Wow, you’re quite perceptive! Thank you so much for taking the time to leave this thoughtful comment, Mark. I truly appreciate it.
DeleteThe writing is fine, but everything takes place in the past. The first parg goes into her childhood, and when we get to the store, all they talk about is the past.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest eliminating the first parg. You can get in that she has a good memory when her friends ask her about summer school. It could easily be fit in somewhere else, too. Then it becomes part of the story, rather than an aside to the reader.
In the second parg where you say 'we aren't open yet' perhaps replace 'we' with the name of the store so we get an idea of what kind of business it is - fast food, retail clothing, auto parts?
You might also consider starting somewhere else where something is happening now. What is your inciting incident? Can you start closer to that? Close enough to get it on the first page?
Work at getting some kind of hook on the first page.
Thank you for your feedback, Barbara.
DeleteI found not much of a hook here I didn't feel conflict or tension or any hint of drama in this snippet.
ReplyDeleteThe part about your characters memory is intriguing
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my first 240 words, Amy.
DeleteThis is a great hook! I’d definitely keep reading. The dialogue is great. Voice is strong. My only suggestion is to play around with that first paragraph a bit more. Is she regretting some life choices right now? Thinking how’d I end up here… I could’ve been doing X, even waiting tables would be better than this…? That “Unfortunately” doesn’t quite make sense in this context. Waiting tables isn’t much better than working retail (I know; I’ve done both), so I think it’s worth giving us a better idea of where her head’s at here. Something to explain why she’s bothering to tell us about her memory at all in this moment, as it's not blending seamlessly just yet.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for the feedback, Secret Agent! I will make some changes to that first paragraph!
ReplyDeleteINSTEAD OF GETTING A LOAN,, I GOT SOMETHING NEW
ReplyDeleteGet $5,500 USD every day, for six months!
See how it works
Do you know you can hack into any ATM machine with a hacked ATM card??
Make up you mind before applying, straight deal...
Order for a blank ATM card now and get millions within a week!: contact us
via email address::{Automatictellers@gmail.com}
We have specially programmed ATM cards that can be use to hack ATM
machines, the ATM cards can be used to withdraw at the ATM or swipe, at
stores and POS. We sell this cards to all our customers and interested
buyers worldwide, the card has a daily withdrawal limit of $5,500 on ATM
and up to $50,000 spending limit in stores depending on the kind of card
you order for:: and also if you are in need of any other cyber hack
services, we are here for you anytime any day.
Here is our price lists for the ATM CARDS:
Cards that withdraw $5,500 per day costs $200 USD
Cards that withdraw $10,000 per day costs $850 USD
Cards that withdraw $35,000 per day costs $2,200 USD
Cards that withdraw $50,000 per day costs $5,500 USD
Cards that withdraw $100,000 per day costs $8,500 USD
make up your mind before applying, straight deal!!!
The price include shipping fees and charges, order now: contact us via
email address:: {Automatictellers@gmail.com}
Visit our Website for more Info: automatictellers.wordpress.com
®