TITLE: Diplomatic Immunity
GENRE: Adult thriller
Diana Avery straightened out the speaker wires and turned on her wireless Bluetooth headset. By a switch of a button, this connected her to security on the second floor. Small jolts of tingling energy ran up and down her fingers when she fastened the wires to the podium. After a quick glimpse to her watch, she blew out a breath. Before Prime Minister Tattersall gave her speech to the Royal Canadian Legion, it had posed a mixture of excitement and nerves. And this presentation was a big one for all of Canada to hear any moment now.
Voices murmured in English and French behind her as the crowd got settled in. When she finished with the sound check, she pivoted and remained rooted near the doorway.
Almost time for showtime!
An African-American woman entered the room and approached Diana. She dressed in a Donna Karan black and scarlet pantsuit with matching pumps. "Ms. Avery, may I have a word with you?"
"Who are you?" Diana asked low and faint.
"Nicole Pembroke. I'm Prime Minister Tattersall's advisor. We spoke on the phone a month ago."
She nodded and raised her chin with her shoulders back. "I remember, Ms. Pembroke. What can I do for you? We're all set for the speech."
"Prime Minister Tattersall wanted me to give you a message. She'll meet with you soon."
"When?"
Nicole handed her a sealed envelope. "Tonight. Near the VIP Salon. See you in an hour." She exited the foyer.
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ReplyDeleteI like this. I think it has the beginnings of a strong opening. From the start, you're placed in the middle of a event and with actions going on that make a person inquisitive. So over all, I like where this is going.
ReplyDeleteThere's only a few things I would consider doing and that could help make it stronger. Some of the wording/phrases could use some tweaking. For example, saying 'Almost time for showtime!' could be switched to 'Almost showtime!' or '..quick glimpse to her watch' to '...quick glimpse at her watch'.
I found having Word read my MS back to me helped a lot with some things like this. What sounded good in my head, when read back, wasn't as shiny as I had thought it would be. I tend to do this every time I do an edit, even if it's just read in small sections.
Good luck!
I agree with the previous comment, having the word “time” repeated breaks the rhythm.
ReplyDeleteHowever, you have an intriguing opening and I’m wondering what happens next!
I also like being dropped into the action right away. This is an interesting inciting incident.
ReplyDeleteThere is a missing word in this sentence: "She dressed in a Donna Karan black and scarlet pantsuit with matching pumps"
I think it's "She *was* dressed in a..."
I'm definitely interested in what happens next!
I liked this. You've pulled me in with these 250 words already! I agree with the people who've commented about "It's showtime" and "she was dressed" but those are minor changes.
ReplyDeleteGood job.
I like that you began with action. We are curious as to what the speech is going to be about, but the sudden curveball of the meeting is a nice touch. For just 250 words,you have done a great job catching the attention. I would read on if there was more! I wish you the best of luck!
ReplyDeleteAgree on the "it's almost time for showtime" would read much better as "it's almost showtime." Also, if this is set in Canada, I have never heard any Canadian use the term "African American" so that was a bit jarring for me.
ReplyDeleteI am curious what the Prime Minster's "presentation" might be about though.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI thought she was hacking into the feed at first, so you might consider revising slightly. How about just “almost showtime”? Try to simplify wherever you can, throughout. I think we should get a sense of whether this proposed meeting with the prime minister is surprising, nerve-wracking, etc. Should we be feeling, Oh crap they’re about to find out, or I bet they never actually make it to that meeting, etc. She responds “low and faint” and I can’t quite understand why it’s low and faint, what the emotion is behind the action. All in all, I’m not quite sure how to feel in this intro.
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