TITLE: Mimic
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Getting past the Protector was mostly a matter of timing. The time of day, first of all. Dusk. After most of the sunlight was gone but before the torches were lit. Then the trick was to slip by at the exact moment when someone else was passing through the gate, while the Protector was occupied with drawing blood from the next one in line.
The form Issa chose was also crucial. She had gotten through a few times in the guise of a very small child, so far below eye-level that the Protector never saw her as she toddled in the wake of someone’s billowing cloak. The stubby legs, though, made it harder to move quick and smooth. She couldn’t afford to stumble and be caught. Last time it had been too close.
The other likely choice was taking on a fleet-footed limber form, a body that could scale the wall in the space of a single breath. Issa hadn’t dared that before. She’d practiced leaping the lower walls at the outer edges of the Den for the past month, and Yeril swore her swift movement was hardly visible if he wasn’t watching closely. “No more than a flit in the corner of my eye,” he told Issa with an arthritic wink. She almost believed him.
She’d already wondered and worried too long, resolving every evening that this would be the night, only to lose her nerve and slink back from the wall.
This pulled me right in. I have a ton of questions which would keep me turning the pages. With very few words I have a sense of the world, I know there is magic, sneaking in someplace, even though I don't understand yet, is tension, and then add that she isn't totally confidant. Well done. Good luck with this.
ReplyDeleteWhile I really liked this, I felt like there could have been more to describe the scene, like where Issa while she considers all this. I was also confused as to why "this would be the night" when it seems Issa has already been through before. But that might just be because I don't have rest of the scene.
ReplyDeleteI like this but it's all narration with no action. It would be stronger (for example) if she was standing back from the Protector getting ready to approach and thinking about what form to take at that moment. Otherwise, we're not really grounded in a time or place.
ReplyDeleteAlso, this part should be in past as it happened before present time:
Yeril HAD SWORN her swift movement was hardly visible if he wasn’t watching closely. “No more than a flit in the corner of my eye,” he HAD told Issa with an arthritic wink. She HAD almost believed him."
Good luck!
Holly
This is a very promising start, but I see room for an even deeper POV which would allow the reader to connect with Issa even more. Also, at times, I found myself tripping over some of the longer sentences. There is a lot happening here, and I’d cut unneeded descriptions so that the reader is able to focus on the most important aspects. I also wasn’t clear if she was trying to get past the Protector because of the blood drawing? I love the questions that are being raised, but also wanted more insight into what was happening. She seems to do this a lot, but I’m not clear what exactly it is she is doing. Overall, though, a really great start! I’m certainly intrigued!
ReplyDelete