TITLE: RimBomBo
GENRE: MG Fantasy
His mother’s mixing bowl was nearly as deep as he was tall.
At ten-feet from her toes to her head, eight hundred and fifty-pound, Frigg Tiddle, used that bowl for making ox-bone flour biscuits. And for bathing him when he was a baby. Today? Full of cool water waiting on flour for those mouth-watering breakfast biscuits.
“Boom…how many times have I told you not to stand so close to the bowl when you’re watching me cook?”
“Umm.” At a stout forty-seven pounds and three ounces, eight-year old three foot tall Boom Tiddle leaned on the rim and dangled his pudgy fingers in the water. By this age, other Giant children were nearly seven feet tall.
“You’re ignoring me, Boom Augustus.”
A wild red hair curled down across his forehead. Boom shoved it aside. It curled right back down. Boom ignored it. He was too engrossed in his mother’s task at hand.
“Mommo, aren’t you supposed to break up the bones into small pieces first before you smash them?”
“You an expert on making biscuits, now, Boom?” His mother raised her kitchen mallet over her head. Suddenly, she slammed it down, pulverizing the parched white bones. Boom bounced into the air. He turned a full flip and landed on his feet. As if nothing had happened.
He stared up at his mother. He was always staring up at her.
I love the first line! It makes me want to keep reading to find out more about this strange world. In paragraph 2, I'd love to be shown what his mother's doing (smashing the bones), rather than be told about the various ways she uses the bowl. I'm intrigued by your protagonist - a tiny giant!
ReplyDeleteA couple of things:
ReplyDelete-If this is from Boom's POV, we should not see "his mother" used. She should just be Momma inside his head.
-If it is his POV, it makes no sense to describe his mother's looks and his own as if these are new to him. It's fine to give his height because that is relevant to the description of the bowl.
-The focus on their weight and use of the word pudgy is bordering on fat shaming. I get that you need to show us that they are Giants but please try to focus on things other than their weight.
Good luck!
Holly
I really like this! What a unique/fun premise. The ox-bone is a creative way to set me in the story. I agree, describing their size in ways other than their weight would make me envision them better. Maybe comparing them to something else large? You don't need commas around Frigg Tiddle. Awesome name though! Well done! I think this is delightful!
ReplyDeleteThis is a fun idea!
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph is a little confusing. When you said 10 feet, I couldn't tell if you were talking about the bowl or his mom. And maybe you can leave the weights out altogether? I feel like describing their height is more important anyway.
Good luck!
That is a great opening line. Breaking ox-bones works better at giving the sense of size and strength than telling us their weights. Give us images to imagine how gigantic things are. A kid might not know how much eight-hundred pounds, but they can imagine a bear or moose. Great opening otherwise.
ReplyDeleteIt took me a second to put the pieces together—I wasn’t sure who was as tall as the bowl (and indeed if the bowl was ten feet), if Frigg was our narrator or the mother. By the end of the second paragraph, it becomes clear, but I would have liked to have seen the first sentence reworked for greater clarity by letting the reader know who “he” is earlier. That said, this is an interesting world set up with an enjoyable voice. One small thing—I typically encourage writers not to use actual weights in children’s books, especially in this case where Boom is described as “stout” at forty-seven pounds.
ReplyDeleteI made a typo in my above comment--where I say narrator I mean main character. Thanks!
ReplyDelete