TITLE: Evernight
GENRE: YA Fantasy
The fae believe the ability to lie is a curse. I disagree. In my line of work, there is a certain benefit that comes from everyone believing me when I say I am not going to kill them.
My name is Raegan and I am an assassin by trade, not by choice. Sometimes, we must resort to doing that which we are good at. Sometimes, we have no choice.
In the throes of the restless crowd, I move lightly, my hands pressed into my pockets lest I brush against another. The brand on the inside of my elbow burns like ice. I clench my fists, eyes tracing the hordes of fae surrounding me like a sea. Most are Unseelie, their bodies swathed in cloaks like mine, bright eyes shrouded by hoods and tattered scarves. Many carry goods, armfuls of spells, some with carts, some with cages. Others are residents of the Autumn Court. I bow my head, passing sylphs with ochre-russet skin and hair of deep green, burnt umber.
A flash of a golden blade makes my head whip around.
He might as well send up a flare for all the difference it would make in this crowd.
Missile to target, my eyes fix on a figure a dozen paces ahead. He lurches forward then flinches back, cringing out of the path of an errant arrow some idiot has fired through the crowd. For a Seelie spy, he is not so subtle.
I think you give a lot of nice details in here to set the stage so to speak. My thoughts are on minor, nitpicky details. Obviously it's hard as a reader with only 250 words to really get a feel for how the story is told but i struggle with the "My name is Raegan and i am an assassin" portion. I imagine we will learn her name later and with all the lovely details and action in this sequence, i think it is implied that she is an assassib, which has more punch than being told she is. You don't need to tell us when you go ahead and show us. Again, hard to say though with just 250 words... might be more of a narrative story through your MC so my points may be moot. Secondly, "missile to target" took me out because it implies mechanical/contemporary references when this is a story about the fae/blades/magic (Unless this character is from contemporary world).
ReplyDeleteI think your story could start with the third paragraph. The details before that can easily be woven in later. The world building makes me feel like this is long ago, but the missile to target makes it more contemporary. You get right to the action fast, and the promise of conflict hangs in the air.
ReplyDeleteYou had me at fae! Actually, you had me at "in the throes" and I agree with an earlier comment that your story could easily start here. The assassin bit can be woven it, and makes it a little more mysterious (like Raegan). I like the imagery of the crowd, the colors of skin, the armfuls of magic, her making sure not to touch anyone and the acute awareness of the brand.
ReplyDeleteI'd definitely keep reading.
Thanks for sharing!
I love the first paragraph. I think you could cut the second paragraph because it's exposition. I enjoyed the details of the opening scene. I would like to know a little more about the setting - is it an outdoor market? a city street? - Just a quick phrase would help me visualize.
ReplyDeleteGreat work getting in a lot of world-building right off the bat.
I think you paint a vivid picture. There are some places where I think words could be cut out, like "flinches back" could just be flinches, and the "burnt umber" seems to hang at the end of the sentence.
ReplyDeleteThis is a fantastic opening line. Im immediately intrigued. That said, the line that starts “My name is Raegan…” completely pulled me out of the story. Convey that information in another way later on. Otherwise, I love this. Great voice—I see a few places where the writing could be tightened be overall a very, very nice start!
ReplyDeleteI love this opening, but agree with the "my name is Raegan" pulling me out of the story.
ReplyDelete"makes my head whip around" is giving the action to her head instead of her. Same with "my eyes fix".
Good luck!
Holly
In your second paragraph, I don't think you need both "not by choice" and "sometimes, we have no choice." I think cutting one of those still gets the message across and sounds sharper and less repetitive.
ReplyDeleteThe descriptions are all interesting, sounds like a cool story.
I think you should cut the second paragraph. I've never personally been a fan of the "The name's...." kind of thing. I feel like the last three paragraphs should be tightened up.
ReplyDelete