TITLE: The Gentleman's Farm
GENRE: Adult Romantic Comedy
I can still leave. No one would know. Except me. The thoughts sounded desperate, although not as desperate as the reason why she was there in first place.
The admission kept Mika rooted in place. Time ticked by. Sweat pooled in uncomfortable places.
She glanced at the clock affixed to the outside of the bank. One fifteen. She’d been ten minutes early and now Earl Beckett was fifteen minutes late. Having decided it was the first day of her new life, Mika had only had a banana for breakfast and a caramel latte for the drive. Okay, and a muffin. A small muffin. She wasn’t sure if it was the last meal of her old life or the first meal of her new one.
The power outfit she’d painstakingly chosen the night before no longer made her feel powerful.
Now, the band of the skirt dug into her stomach and the shoes weren’t as comfortable as they were when she strutted up and down the aisle of the shoe store. Her bangs were in need of a trim, falling over the top of her glasses and obstructing her vision. She felt like a kid playing dress-up. Not to mention that the five hour drive had worked wonders on wrinkling everything and making her feel like day old nachos.
The rumble of the beat-up truck announced its presence long before it turned the corner. It was an old white truck, covered more with rust spots and dirt than with paint.
Sounds interesting. I'd love to know more. Is she in front of the bank because they're going to rob it? So many possibilities.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph threw me a little. It starts first person but shifts to third by the end. If she's talking to herself, could you put that in quotes? And consider omitting "except me." It seems that's a given. If you want to emphasize that she's going back and forth in her mind about this, maybe that could be its own paragraph: "But I would know."
ReplyDeleteLove the sweat pooled in uncomfortable places line, the bit about what she ate, and the day-old nachos. Description of the truck also great. :)
This line really confused me. "The thoughts sounded desperate, although not as desperate as the reason why she was there in first place." Is she hearing someone else's thoughts? And who is the she? Is she watching someone else here or is the she the main character? I think you're trying to say that your character is listening to her own thoughts but it takes a re-read to get that and you don't want your reader to stop this early and re-read.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
The first few sections weren't as smooth of a read as I'd hoped. I had a lot of questions (which isn't necessarily a bad thing), but also was a little confused with the timing between her and the other person. I adored your descriptions though starting with her power outfit to the end of your post. It painted a clear picture and was totally relatable.
ReplyDeleteThis first sentence was confusing to me—I had to read through several times before I realized it was switching between first person POV and 3rd. It could be reworked for a bit more clarity. I’m very intrigued by Mika’s current predicament, but I’d love a few more details so I could be grounded in the scene and know more about her. Right now, there are almost too many questions in my mind, which rather than pulling me, are making me feel disconnected from the story.
ReplyDelete