Monday, March 1, 2021

Are You Hooked? #11

TITLE: Untitled
GENRE: Romance

The phone call was disconnected and Coldplay resumed playing 


All those signs, I knew what they meant, 

Some things you can invent 

And some get made, and some get sent.  


Kyah stared at the Blue Heron in the swamp as she finished listening to the song. She 

wondered if he’d capture whatever he was watching. They were the most patient of birds. She 

had seen them flying away. She had seen them walking in the water. She even watched one 

swallow a fish once. But she had never seen one catch a fish. She wasn’t as patient as the Blue 


Her fingers hit the pause button on her headphones as she absorbed into the world of 

signs. Her unintended words. The truth of them. His words back. 


Some things you can invent 


Kyah knew those truths. Things were easily invented in a paranoid mind. Or even a 

protective mind. A mind that wanted to protect a heart from hurt. A mind that was afraid of 

losing that heart. Kyah closed her eyes as the wave of emotions washed over her. There were 

days, she was in control of the emotions. Other days, she wanted to curl up in the corner and 

sob. Seth was a trigger. The trigger of what she’d lost. A bit of her innocence, a bit of her sanity, and now, more of her heart. 

She wasn’t sure where they stood anymore. It was all muddled in her mind, by her mind. 


  1. I'm in. I already have a sense of the MC. I like the heron bit -- as I myself have watched them hunting. :) However, I had to reread the first few sentences. I thought the "he" in the second sentence referred to the heron at first.

  2. Kyah's pain and emotions shine through this excerpt. I loved the bit about her not being as patient as the heron - that was a great way to show part of her personality. Two things: I couldn't figure out where she was (outside on a run/walk near a swamp? inside and watching the swamp from a window? Is she at work or at leisure?) and would like to feel a little more situated in the setting. Also, I was confused about Seth as a trigger. Is he someone from her past who triggers her thoughts about the person she's with (sort of) now? Or is the person currently breaking her heart? If the latter, I'm not sure trigger is the right word to use. I'd keep reading to see where Kyah's story leads.

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. We have a great sense of the MC's internal dialogue but it might be good to position the reader externally? Aka, where is Kyah right now? I'm hooked on her pain ;)... and wanting some respite from it but it might provide more clarity if you tell the reader exactly what happened to Kyah. Thread some facts into the narrative a bit, to ground it, like what exactly has been lost (other than innocence, like a life, lover, etc.). ANd how Seth triggered this (though I'm sure you'll describe how he does in the following pages). Also, song lyrics can be really tricky to get legal approval for use, though they appear throughout "WONDER" so it's not unheard of.

  5. Great inner voice, but I admit I'm lost right out of the gate. I get no sense of where we are (it mentions a swamp, but is she actually there, watching it from a bus, etc.), and there are too few other details to ground me. It makes the emotion feel forced. I would suggest that it's easier for readers to empathize if they can grab hold of at least one concrete element.

  6. I, too, am concerned about the legality of using song lyrics. I also think you could do without the mention of the song entirely. I would focus more on the heron, describing how it patiently waits for a fish. Seeing it walking and flying doesn't really relate to it being patient and how she's not. Let us see its sleek neck and spindly legs as it stands motionless but attentive. Then I would contrast that to Kyah's restless behavior. Clearly there's a lot of emotion going on here. See if you can show it without saying what it is directly. The closing her eyes and letting the emotion wash over her and the curling up in a corner do that well. I'd add more of that to really pull the reader in. :)

  7. Don't worry about the legality of song lyrics. It's a fairly trivial issue at this point. I'll admit my bias here: I absolutely loathe Coldplay, so....I hope it's not coloring my opinion, but that is a possibility.

    In my opinion, if you're going to crawl right into a character's head in the opening pages, you're going to want to frame the emotions in a more concrete context. Give the reader some physical cues to help us to connect to her feelings about the man. Dig into the physical reality of her memory, not just her vague reaction to it.

  8. I love the line, "she wasn't as patient as the Blue Heron." Boom. Great mic drop to what could mean so much. Being a romance, I am hoping that plays a role. I would turn the page to read more. Though I do think it could start with your words as opposed to band lyrics. I suspect being tight on the MC mind right away could make a stronger entry because you have a lovely voice. Good luck!

  9. Loved the last line! I am certainly intrigued and would read more, though would suggest moving the song lyrics to later on in the chapter, so that the reader's world opens with focus on the character instead. Good luck with this story :)

  10. I like the imagery of the blue heron, and I'd be interested to see how it carries through the story. Does it reflect Kyah's character and become a symbol of her struggles? It could be really powerful.

    On the other hand, I may not be the right reader for this type of book because the expressions of sadness and longing felt a little melodramatic to me. I think that's the result of putting such intense emotions up front without context. If we experience whatever is causing Kyah's pain along with her, we'll naturally sympathize and her emotions will feel earned. The solution might be to choose a different starting point where something is happening instead of Kyah just standing in the swamp thinking. Maybe the phone call mentioned in the first line? If we heard that conversation (especially if it causes her sadness), it would give us a reason to sympathize and draw us in.

    On the question of lyrics, I'd say cut them. Using them will require permissions that you'll have to pay for (you, not the publisher, probably). (Rachelle Gardner did a blog post about this recently: .) In some cases, it might be worthwhile, but here they didn't seem to add enough to be worth paying for.

    Best of luck and thanks for sharing your work.

  11. Thank you all for the comments. I really appreciate the solid feedback. I also appreciate your time sharing your thoughtful perspectives.

  12. i was lost with no hope for my wife was cheating and had always got away with it because i did not know how or

    always too scared to pin anything on her. with the help a friend who recommended me to who help hack her phone,

    email, chat, sms and expose her for a cheater she is. I just want to say a big thank you to

    SUPERIOR.HACK@GMAIL.COM . am sure someone out there is looking for how to solve his relationship problems, you can also contact him for all sorts of hacking job..he is fast and reliable. you could also text +1 213-295-1376(whatsapp) contact and thank me later

  13. Great blog ! your blog is really informative and I really like your blog kindly write one blog on
    Custom Hemp Oil Boxes

  14. If your relationship is not the biggest source of happiness and joy in your life...

    If you’re not getting the love, devotion and adoration that you deserve...

    Or if the men in your life seem to lose interest out of nowhere leaving you confused and hurt...

    Then I can honestly say that this video is the most important thing you can watch right now and will absolutely transform your relationships forever.

    ==> Men Commit When They Feel This

    Once you discover this one missing “secret ingredient” to lasting love and devotion... You’ll be able to emotionally “click” with men in a way that no other woman ever has.

    And he will feel an irresistible urge deep in his chest that makes him want to lovingly commit to you and never let you go.

    So if you’re looking for tricks and mind games to get a man’s attention or manipulate his feelings, then this is not for you.

    There is plenty of stuff like that out there. But I’m pretty sure you’re looking for something more genuine.

    Something special that will last the test of time.

    Something that will empower you to create real desire in a man and the kind of emotional bond that life partnerships are built upon.

    If that’s you then this video has your name on it. You can watch it here:

    ==> The Secret To Become Any Man’s Secret Obsession


    Sign Off

  15. I was in trouble when doctor told me that I have been diagnosed with Genital Herpes… I though about my Family, I know my Family will face a serious problem when I’m gone, I lost hope and I wept all day, but one day I was surfing the internet I found DR.AZIEGBE email. I emailed him and he guided me. I asked him for solutions and he started the remedies for my health. Thank God, now everything is fine, I’m cured by DR.AZIEGBE herbal medicine, I’m very thankful to DR.AZIEGBE and very happy with my hubby and family. email him on via: DRAZIEGBE1SPELLHOME@GMAIL. COM or what_sapp Tel- +2349035465208.. CAN AS WELL CURE THE FOLLOWING DISEASE:- 1. HIV/AIDS 2. HERPES 3. CANCER 4. SINGLES 5.HEPATITIS 6.E.T.C

  16. One of the best decision i ever made was contacting Dr Otonokpo to help me get my lover back, I was life filled with happiness after i contacted Dr Otonokpo because he didn't just bring my lover back to me he also made our love for each other more unique and superb. If you need to spice your relationship with more love and attention contact Dr Otonokpo on his Email Address, call/whatsapp him via his contact +2348114129781 and be happy just like i am, thanks Dr Otonokpo for your great work.