Mrs. Sherill Carter-Barrett is wearing heels, a navy suit, and a frown that suggests I’m wasting valuable minutes of her life. I figure I have about 90 seconds to win her over.
“Thanks for being our new sponsor, Mrs. Carter-Barrett. I’m sure you’ll do a great job,” I say.
“Thank you.” She’s shifting notes around on the podium in front of the stage, and she doesn’t look up from her papers.
I glance at the other students filing into the auditorium. “Will we be voting on new officers today? Because I’m very interested.”
Mrs. Carter-Barrett stops shuffling pages and looks at me. Her eyes are a surprising light gray next to her brown skin. “What’s your name?”
I stand taller. “Hally Nunn. I’ll be a senior next year.”
She looks me over. “Well, Hally, thank you for your interest. I will announce plans for electing officers, as well as a new focus for the NHS, during the meeting.”
Gabe shifts next to me. He’s standing exactly according to our plan, with his skinny but well-dressed body strategically placed to block anyone who might try to interrupt my conversation. I look up at his calm face, and he gives me a tiny nod of encouragement. I try again. “But could you-”
She holds up a hand. “Hally, I’d prefer to explain everything once, to everyone who is interested. Please have a seat.” She points to the rows behind me.
Gabe tilts his head toward some open chairs. “Come on, it’s chill.”
I have so much insight already into Hally's character! This excerpt gets me geared up to read about this driven, motivated girl who draws others into her plans and is (probably) used to getting what she wants. One thing - I think NHS here means National Honor Society, but my mind went to National Health Service, so you might want to specify that we're talking about the high school club. I'd definitely read on!
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DeleteNice character development right off the bat. And I really like that first line--we've all been there. :) I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteHooked! The opening grabs. Solid writing. Everything flows naturally. I'd read on for sure.
ReplyDeleteI'd read another 250 words, but if in that time I don't learn what's unique about MC's desire, plan, or emotional hook, I'd tap out. Good prose but with only a title and truncated conversation to go on, I'm afraid it's not a terribly sharp hook.
ReplyDeleteI have nothing negative to say about this. It's a great start!
ReplyDeleteGreat opening here. Wish I had another peek into Hally's thoughts, like before Gabe gives her that encouraging nod. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteGood opening with strong character development. I like the friendship between Hally and Gabe and the way they support and rely on each other. The description of Mrs. Carter-Barrett is effective, but I almost wish she were *more* dismissive, just to give Hally something bigger to struggle with than just not getting the leg-up she seems to want. I would definitely read more about high school politics. Sounds like fun. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteGood prose but I would need to read more to decide. It's a bit shallow so far. I'm unclear what's important here.
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