Tuesday, March 2, 2010

#40 1000-Word

TITLE: The Opposite of Magic
GENRE: Contemporary fantasy

Emily stared at the gargoyle, mystified and just a bit amused. She'd never seen one indoors before. At the bottom of a stairwell, no less. Eyes bulging, mouth gaping, hands rending its face, the statue looked not only horrible but also reproachful, as if it knew she felt sorry for herself and its definition of misfortune did not match up with hers. It crouched next to the arched door into the basement, above which--she now noticed--was taped a message straight from Dante's Inferno: "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."

Good God, nobody was going to visit her during office hours. Shaking her head, she opened the door, anticipating cardboard cutouts of tortured sinners.

Instead, an empty passageway made entirely of stone stretched ahead, deeply shadowed. Bare-bulb fixtures clung to the ceiling, casting small islands of light. Torch brackets--empty ones--dotted the walls. Even for a Gothic Revival building, it was over the top.

"This isn't a basement," she said, appalled. "It's a dungeon."

"Hello?" a male voice called out, startling her so badly she nearly dropped her bag. "Aha!" the man added, coming out of the first corridor on the left and stopping under a light. "Bernie Ballantine, medieval lit. You must be the history department castoff."

"Afraid so," she said, heartbeat stuttering back to normal. "Emily Daggett." With sympathy she added: "Are you an English department castoff?"

He laughed. "I insisted they put me down here. It’s the perfect place for my gargoyle."

He looked like a man with an odd sense of humor. He wore a neon-yellow fedora over salt-and-pepper hair that touched his shoulders. His beard was an aggressive growth. His mouth, what she could see of it, twitched mischievously. As further proof of oddness, he didn't turn condescending when she admitted her specialty.

"Lots of myth and magic in my field, too," he said. "Well," he added, with an expansive gesture, "don't let me stand between you and your office."

It wasn't precisely an office in the sense that an umbrella wasn't precisely a hat. A desk, telephone and computer sat just inside one of the corridors running off the central spine. Emily, walking around a bit, found her corridor led only to other corridors. No rooms. No other occupants besides Bernie Ballantine in the corridor next to hers. Nothing else, in fact, but several large piles of boxes. She couldn't fathom why Ashburn College built a basement that looked like this one did, but its current use was clearly storing unwanted things.

"Do these corridors go anywhere?" she asked as she circled back.

"Nope," her co-worker said from his office. "Nowhere at all."

A metaphor if ever there was. She slumped into her chair, which wobbled, wheels intended for carpet. This office was the craziest she'd ever seen, and as a graduate assistant she'd once worked in a converted supply closet. She'd really thought she could go nowhere from there but up. Apparently no one was lower than the educational equivalent of a temp at the least-regarded college in the state.

She glared at her surroundings. But the glare turned by degrees into a grim smile and finally gave way to stifled laughter. Despite her wounded pride, she could see the humor in life supplying something that looked like the setting for a rip-roaring adventure of the sort she'd wanted as a kid, but instead would be used for grading papers and checking email.

When she actually tried to check her email, however, she discovered that lighting was not the least functional part of Bernie Ballantine's Inferno. The PC worked well enough while she typed in syllabus information for her five courses, but the screen flickered when she opened the mail program. It came back to life with jumbled-up pixels. Emily, who avoided computers whenever possible because of time-wasting stunts like this, called Ashburn's automated tech-help line with a mental roll of the eyes and settled in to read The Necromancers: Forbidden Arts of the Middle Ages.

Ten minutes later, tech support strode in. An angular specimen of perhaps thirty, he had a shaved head and a monochromatic idea of fashion: black boots, black jeans and a black holster with cell phone, personal digital assistant and not one but two pagers--all black. (The shirt, for variety's sake, was gray.) Something in his rounded shoulders gave the impression of an oyster clamped shut, rather than a too-tall man apologetic about his height.

He was standing under a light fixture, so she could see the mild irritation on his face. Then he blinked, and his expression changed lightning-quick to disgust.

Emily diagnosed it as "how do people get paid to sit around reading such nonsense"--she'd seen that look before--and moved her book out of view. "Hi," she said. "I'm--"

"What have you done?" the man interrupted, sharp words faintly accented.

She had plenty of experience with disguised rudeness. Undisguised rudeness was much less common in the Midwest, and all she could manage in response was an "um …"

"This is a brand-new computer," he said angrily. "I set it up myself last week. Nothing was wrong with it then, so: What have you done?"

"How could you possibly know it's my fault before you've even looked at the thing?"

"I'm an excellent judge of character. Get out of my way, will you?"

Witty comebacks failing her, she scrambled off the chair.

"Keep going," he said.

Seething, she took several steps backward as he hunched over the monitor.

"I tried control-alt-delete, but it wouldn't respond," she said.

The man shot her a look over his shoulder and went back to what he'd been doing--nothing, besides bracing himself on the hardware and (she assumed) testing whether his icy stare of death worked on inanimate objects. A minute passed. Then he tapped three keys and the reboot window popped up. With an exaggerated flourish, he clicked "restart."

"Lovely to meet you," he said, conveying the opposite meaning, and swept out.

12 comments:

  1. I like the writing style; for me, a nice balance of description and action. I love this line:
    as if it knew she felt sorry for herself and its definition of misfortune did not match up with hers.
    I liked the description of Bernie and the dungeon/basement. I think there's a problem with this sentence:
    Despite her wounded pride, she could see the humor in life supplying something that looked like the setting for a rip-roaring adventure of the sort she'd wanted as a kid, but instead would be used for grading papers and checking email.
    I had to read it twice to get it. At the least, I'd suggest replacing "something" with "an office."
    The only part I was a little uncomfortable with was the computer tech. Is he supposed to be a foreigner (the accent)? I understand he's supposed to be rude, but it seems a little too intense unless his rudeness later becomes a part of the story?
    Overall, I liked this and would read on - mostly just nitty stuff!

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  2. The characters and setting are as fun as you intend them to be, I think, but I had problems following two critical paragraphs.

    The opening is confusing. We don't know what we're seeing in terms of what is around the gargoyle. It's at the bottom of the stairs, so I immediately pictured stairs going up. But then we hear "arched door into basement" and usually the door to the basement is at the top of the stairs. It took two or three readings to parse out what was going on visually.

    I had similar problems getting oriented with the paragraph that began "It wasn't precisely an office." That one, I think was a problem the next image is an unclear metaphor, and then we see office furniture, so I was still picturing an office, and you jump to the boxes and corridor right away, that I didn't register that her office WAS a corridor until I went back. (This would be easy to cure by simply swapping the order of details in the second sentence. "The 'office' was actually another corridor, with a desk, telephone and computer tucked up against the wall. It was as much like an office as a hat is like an umbrella. She stepped inside....")

    Other than that, it was fun. I enjoyed the quirky co-inhabitant, and the geek who seemed to be fixing the computer with his own version of magic. (I really hope he was, but it works as an image if he wasn't.)

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  3. I like this a lot, although there are some nitpicky things to fix. I especially liked the "monochromatic idea of fashion" and the annoyance of the MC without making her unsympathetic. I'd read more.

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  4. Hmmm... I liked and I didn't like this. I thought the writing was idiosyncratic, which is good for me. Sort of tongue-in-cheek fun, boding well for the future in your protagonists POV. On the other hand, there were several times where it just didn't pull me in enough for me to usually keep reading... until I skimmed down a few paragraphs and discovered that something interesting might happen.

    Specifically "anticipating cardboard cutouts..." to "it was over the top" I pretty much skimmed.

    I didn't quite understand the spatial dimensions of her "office," which threw me, though I do like the umbrella to hat comparison.

    Skimmed "she glared at her surroundings..." to "...lighting was not the least functional..."

    I think you could tighten those, or maybe try and insert another pithy comment somewhere. Rock on.

    Really liked the description of Bernie (especially his aggressive growth of a beard).

    Dialogue was good.

    I'm not quite sure what you're going for here, but both of the characters--besides the protag--you introduced seemed like you were playing on cliches. Which is fine if that's what you're going for, but I don't think it is.

    Not sure if that helps at all.. but there you go.

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  5. Loved the gargoyle. Never a sign of peace, harmony and happiness. I instantly liked Bernie for owning such a creature. I did have to read it a few times to figure out that her office was actually a corridor. So, that could be tightened up a bit.

    I also really liked the tech guy. Loved that he was so rude. I think its a job requirement. They take classes on operating systems, hardware and angst.

    I get a feel for Bernie and Tech Dude, but no so much for Emily. At this point I care more about the Tech guy than her.

    Your descriptions are good and you set up the scene well, but I need more of the MC, which I think with a little tweaking you'll be able to do. This has the potential to be a fun read.

    Thanks for sharing

    best of luck

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  6. This sounds like a fun and interesting story. It's also well-written, with a distinctive voice. But I did get a little bogged down in all the wordage and description. Details are good, especially when doled out with a purpose, but they do slow the action.

    Do I need to know so much about the boxes, the offices, what people are wearing? Keep your hook in mind. Focus on what's important and move on.

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  7. Agree with other comments. I like the possibilities of this space. Love that the corridors go nowhere. Love the exchange with the tech dude.

    However, I agree that Emily is not as clearly drawn as other characters.

    Trouble visualizing the gargoyle. It's implied that it's portable? ("perfect place for my gargoyle"). Perhaps you could start firmly with placing it in the world, "the gargoyle hunched on the landing between the main stairs and basement", and then add Emily observing.

    This line confused me: "Good God, nobody was going to visit her during office hours. "

    Too much too soon, before I was grounded. Then, why did she picture cardboard cutouts?

    You set us up to expect the basement to be medieval, and then it is. No surprise there.

    This line also jumped out at me: "His beard was an aggressive growth." I am picturing the Elephant Man here.

    Keep the faith, and keep on tightening and refining your choices!

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  8. This is one of the most delightful pieces I have read in ages. You have a voice and your characters come to life very smoothly, easily believable and sympathetically. Your tension was strong even in this one short glimpse and were I an editor I'd certainly ask for more. There was only one thing that stood out for me. Heart 'stuttering' back to normal. Speech stutters. I thought about a replacement description and came up with a few oddities such as 'retreated back to normal' - along those lines.

    Your writing style is delightful.

    ZP

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  9. This excerpt has a lot going for it. Good pacing, great sense of place, interesting characterizations. Just a few nits. (I'll try to add something beyond what's been said.)

    I'm not one for repeated words. I'd delete these. There's so much good writing, you don't need them and it stops me. You definitely need a new word for corridor. You use it about six times and it jars me out of the scene. Glare, glare, castoff, castoff, disguised, undisguised: it comes across, at times, sing-songy, or like a ping pong match.

    Also was stopped when Emily claims Bernie "didn't turn condescending when she admitted her specialty." Did she admit her specialty? Is history dept. castoff a specialty? And if so, didn't he bring it up, not her?

    Love all the descriptions of the "dungeon" and how it sets the tone for what is to come.

    The flow stopped for me during the computer scene. The "When she actually tried to check her email" paragraph was clunky and needs condensing, for me. A lot of energy is spent on the tech (more so than Bernie) so I hope he is an important character. Maybe just a snap shot description of him?

    The Emily diagnosed it as sentence also reads clunky for me. I'd just work to shore up that whole section with stronger. Great start, though.

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  10. I enjoyed this, and nothing in particular jumped out at me as I read it. You've developed an interesting setting and characters. Your description is vivid and I like your main character. And her voice.

    For me, I think it could be more compelling if you sprinkled in some story questions or hints of what's to come, or some element of conflict/tension. There's a brief conflict with the tech support guy, but it didn't seem to be out of the ordinary. Same with the malfunctioning computer. If that's a hint at something weird, I think you need to hint a little harder. You can make this opening more than "a woman gets a crappy office in a dungeon."

    Good luck!

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  11. Author here -- thanks to all of you kind folks for sharing what worked and didn't work. I'm going to make good use of your suggestions.

    Daring Novelist, you're spot-on that the computer tech was fixing Emily's computer with magic. This scene is critical, but I've been wringing my hands over the thought that people (OK, agents) will look at this, wonder what's so fraught about computer trouble and stop reading. (Sheila, it sounds like you had a similar reaction.)

    Trouble is, I'm not certain how to hint more strongly that there's something odd about the tech -- and about Emily -- without making Emily seem like an idiot for not catching on. Oh well. One hundred and twenty-first draft, here I come!

    Thanks again to all of you. It's been so illuminating to see the pages through your eyes.

    And three cheers for Authoress for giving us this opportunity!

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  12. I liked the voice here a lot, and found it appropriate for the genre and upcoming subject matter. I, too, had trouble envisioning the location (or the time period) at first, but I caught on. I'm not sure of the story or conflict yet, but you've set the stage pretty well.

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