Thursday, March 25, 2010

58 Fantasy

TITLE: Hero Down Under
GENRE: Fantasy


Death stalked the floor. A cold-a** chill and the patterned flicker of overhead fluorescents marked his approach, always did. Roger peered out his cubicle door.

21 comments:

  1. Just nothing here for me.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Death personified...again? Not so much for me.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ha! Love the humor and voice. Good title:)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Partially hooked. I'd read on to see if it grabbed me. The implication that the MC is familiar with Death's approach is the hook for me in this one. Do cubicles have doors?

    ReplyDelete
  5. maybe change cubicle to office? Either way not really hooked

    ReplyDelete
  6. I like the cubicle part, but the rest was a bit ho-hum for me.

    ReplyDelete
  7. lots of Death stories these days. Regardless, I'd keep reading this.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This has a strong author voice, and I like the juxtaposition. Death stalking is a wee bit cliche, but I'd read a little more to see if the originality continues.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Heh, I'm nearly there. I'd read a couple pages more before deciding, because the idea of Death being someone's boss in an office intrigues me.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'd read more. But perhaps cut the first sentence and change 'his' in the second sentence to 'Death's.' Because you have Death stalking the floor. He might stalk across the floor, but he wouldn't be stalking it, since the floor isn't going anywhere.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm not quite sure if this is supposed to be funny or scary. Probably wouldn't keep reading.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'd switch the last sentence to the first and delete the first sentence.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sorry, I don't get it. How can death stalk a floor? A floor is dead. People on the floor, the workers on a certain floor of a building, yes. "Always did" would be a stronger standing-alone sentence.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Sojourner,
    Stalk= intransitive verb. to walk in a stiff, haughty, or grim manner; to advance or spread grimly.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Not hooked, sorry.

    (I may be put off by all the openings with Death now. Poor dude is getting a workout. :P)

    ReplyDelete
  16. I like this. I'm not totally hooked, more like semi-hooked. I'd give it at least a page

    ReplyDelete