TITLE: Losing Lucy
GENRE: women's mainstream fiction
It wasn’t until the second trip to Cape Cod Hospital, this time in an ambulance, that Sophie grasped the severity of her daughter’s crisis.
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26 comments:
This draws me in.
Maybe.
This is provocative as intended, but I'd prob not read on as the genre's a wrong fit for me.
Too wordy for me. I stumbled. Tightening it will help as will showing us the severity of the crisis instead of telling us.
For example (and I'm making this up because I have no idea what's really going on or what would fit, but this is what I mean):
On her second trip in a week to Cape Cod hospital, Sophie finally understood that her daughter's fainting spells were no joke.
I'm ok with the writing, but I don't like the title. I'd read further.
I'd probably pass.
doesn't really grab me
I agree with what Amy Sue Nathan said.
i like this.
Good title, great tension. I'm hooked, but I also agree that this needs to be tightened to maximize the effect of the words.
Not hooked. But it's probably not my cup o' Joe anyway, so don't let it bug ya! ㋡
Too wordy.
I'm drawn in. I want to know the crisis. The fact that it's the 2nd time and she didn't get it the first time makes me believe that she is set up for an emotional journey. This intrigues me. Agree that maybe its a bit wordy and could be tighter :-)
Interesting. I'd definitely keep reading to find out why it took to the second trip, what the crisis is, and how Sophie's going to deal with it.
This one by itself doesn't get me, but I would certainly read on to the next line or so.
I'm interested
It's a little wordy. I don't know if we need to know this is the second trip to the hospital. Maybe just It was in the ambulance that Sophie grasped....
Or if you skip the hospital.
I think we can find out the rest later. A trip in an ambulance and crisis may be sufficient.
I would read on.
This is one of my favorites so far.
The wording draws me in and immediately opens questions that keep me interested. I would read on to find out more about the mom and daughter.
I'd read on a bit. I've never been a fan of first sentences that start with "It was" or "It wasn't".
I would want to find out what's up with the daughter.
The title answers my question to the first sentence. So there's no hook.
There's enough in this sentence for me to move on. I too, however, don't like beginning with "[i]t wasn't..."
All to hook elements are there, but I think you could go back and tighten up your sentences.
I would read on...
Not quite hooked, but it might be a genre thing.
Not my genre, and I didn't get enough here that would make me keep reading anyway.
I liked all but the last part.
'Severity of daughter's crisis' distanced me.
I'd drop the Cape Cod Hospital and just say hospital--probably would get the location and hospital name as the story continues--not needed to begin.
I don't need to know the crisis in the first sentence or even first paragraph...grasped the severity of her daughter's crisis is enough for me.
The first sentence doesn't have to tell me the whole book-- just get me to read the next sentence, and the next one and the next...
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