Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Drop the Needle: HIGH EMOTION #5

TITLE: The New Breed
GENRE: YA Horror

Azure Lane (MC) is speaking to her best friend, Sloane. Earlier at school, Azure murdered Fallon (Sloane's boyfriend) in a desperate attempt to reconcile her family, and save them from the murderous plots of Master Jeager.

"Did you expect Fallon to-" she can't say it.

But I can.

"What? Did I expect Fallon to die? Well, not exactly. But I made sure of it."

"Look at you. Look at what you've become!"

"Look at yourself, Prissy. You're so wrapped up with your own selfish delusions. What? Did you think Fallon loved you? Well, news flash, he works for Jeager. Nothing's changed."

"Everything's changed."

"No, it's all the same. You're just too stupid to see it. Fallon never loved you, you idiot. Jeager's after us. You and me. He took Kieran. He took Talia. He tried to take you and Roe. But I fought back. While you just sat by like some trophy wife happy to send her children off to slaughter. You're lucky you have me."

"Fallon loved me!"

"No, I love you."

"No! No! You're crazy!" She stands up. "Roe, we're leaving. We're going home."

I stand to block her. "You are home. Roe stay put."

"You can't make us stay."

"What are you going to do? Fend for yourself? You've never done that for a single day of your pathetic life. I've always taken care of you. And the minute I disappeared you set up shop with some other idiot willing to put up with you. You're helpless. You need me."

"I don't need you. You're a murderer!"

"I'm protecting my family."

"No! You're crazy! We're leaving. Roe!"

I stand between them. There is no way in hell she is taking Roe from me.

"What are you going to do, Azure? You gonna kill me too?"

I grab her by the shoulders and press my lips to hers. She struggles to get away.


  1. I loved the dialog in this one, but I'd like a better idea of what they're doing. Add in some body language between the dialog and I think this will be pretty much perfect.

    But are you sure this is YA? Maybe it's just the line "trophy wife happy to send her children off to slaughter" that made me think they're older than YA. This is probably something that would've been cleared up if I'd read the story.

    I'd like to see more of Sloane's struggling in the end instead of being told about it, but I'm guessing that that comes in the next sentance so that's fine.

  2. I agree that you need something to break up the dialogue. Not a lot of narrative, but some body movement here and there, a show of anger or frustration.

    I didn't buy the kiss at the end. She's just spent the last few minutes telling Sloan she's a fool and she's stupid, and she's not doing it in a nice way, like trying to get her to see where she went wrong. She really seems to despise Sloane here, so the kiss didn't work for me. Perhaps if there was a bit more pleading in her tone than abuse?

    I'm getting the impression the kiss will come as a surprise to Sloane, and that it's supposed to ease the tension, but after Azure's tirade, I can't see it doing anything but making the situation worse, because now Sloane has to wonder if Azure killed Fallon because she was jealous of their relationship and wanted Sloane for herself. (It's what I'm wondering.) Of course, that may not be where you're going, in which case, never mind.

  3. This is definitely a high-tension moment, and it's interesting that your MC doesn't seem to be on the likable side right now. I assume that's on purpose.

    For the most part I could tell who was speaking, mainly because of the references to Fallon, but a couple of dialogue tags or (as mentioned above)some body language would make it a little easier. There was just one moment where I thought I might have to go back and count the lines (Azure, Sloane, Azure, Sloane). It ended up that I didn't need to, but it was a tiny bump in an otherwise powerful scene.

    It would probably be cleared up in the next paragraph, but I read the kiss not as an attempt to ease the tension but as a form of aggression. If that's the case, it seems to fit right in with Azure's behavior and attitude.

    I would read on to see Sloane's reaction (which I'm guessing will be bad). Well done.

  4. I thought the words were spot on, but the lack of any action made me feel disconnected from the dialogue. Bring us in closer by letting us "see" the movements and body language.