TITLE: Ghost Light
GENRE: YA Contemporary
No one ever calls in the middle of the night to tell you that you've won the lottery.
Or that you aced your chem final.
Or that your favorite team won the series.
If the phone rings in the middle of the night, it's a pretty sure bet that someone has died, or someone just broke up with his girlfriend or, in my case, that something awful has happened to Lizzie.
She doesn't always call me. Sometimes she calls Spencer. Sometimes, I suspect, she just deals with her mom's drinking and her loser stepfather's temper and doesn't tell either of us. I hate that even more than I hate the phone ringing in the middle of the night.
This time when it rings, I'm in the middle of a dream, kissing Ally Martin while standing on first base. Yeah, I'm getting to first base on first base. My subconscious obviously has a sense of humor.
I know it's a dream because that's the only way I'd be kissing Ally. You can't really kiss someone you haven't had the courage to speak to.
I should have talked to her right after she transferred to Jefferson High, but I didn't. After that it was too late to do it without some sort of explanation. Now, two years later, I'm too embarrassed to try to explain all the times that she's caught me staring at her. So the only conversations I have with her are in my head.
You've got a good clean voice that comes across without drawing attention to itself, which is great. Starting with urgency gives you momentum, but I think you lose that momentum for just a bit at the end of this page. I wanted to go directly to the phone call, since it is built up so much. I might suggest pushing back the last paragraph just a bit so we can get right into the call. It's fine characterization, explqining the love interest, but in the first 250 words, you may be well-advised to lean a little more on the conflict that you spend the first half of the page creating.
ReplyDeleteI would easily read more, as long as it gets to the call shortly, and the narrator is correct about it being bad news or something important.
I agree with Turbo - nice voice, good tone, easy to read. I'd be tempted to leave the last 2 paragraphs until later. You could also put in an adjective like "unreachable" or "untouchable" in front of Ally's name and give the same impression.
ReplyDeleteI'd definitely keep reading :)
I like the voice too but I got stuck at the first line. Can a teenager win a lottery (legally) and if they could, would someone actually CALL them? I know this is supposed to be sarcastic but I think it would come off better if it was something realistically YA and actually impossible.
ReplyDeleteMy only other comment is that this phone has been ringing for an entire page and he still hasn't picked it up. When you add thoughts and backstory in the middle of action, you are essentially "pausing" the action. In this instance, I would expect him to quickly answer the phone (because it's the middle of the night).
Good luck!
Holly
I was waiting for the phone call to take place and was disappointed that I didn't get to read it so I'd keep reading after this. I think the last few paragraphs can be condensed so we can get to the phone call quicker and not slow the pace.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others. I like the voice and it's easy to read. In my mind the phone just keeps ringing while the narrator goes on about the love interest. I'm not sure why, but I assumed the MC was female in the beginning, then from the dream I gather he's male. I usually have problems with first person POV in terms of figuring out gender/name early on. If the phone call portion was moved up and Lizzie mentioned the MC's name (assuming it's gender specific) then I would be able to picture the MC a little better in my mind. I'd still keep reading!
ReplyDeleteI'm not liking the last paragraph. We're talking about something urgent... and then all of a sudden a highschool crush? Just mention it in passing, for the time being it doesn't seem as important as the phone call and it's sort of messing with the pace of the scene. Otherwise, good stuff!
ReplyDeleteI agree with others that I like the devices you use to get what is essentially backstory across here, but it also slows down at the end a bit. Getting to the phone call sooner and inserting those thoughts about the crush between dialogue might work better.
ReplyDeleteI really, really liked it! The beginning drew me in, and it's something everyone can relate to (i.e. the bad juju that accompanies a call in the middle of the night). I actually enjoyed the part about Ally. I think the POV comes across as male, as it should, and I loved the part about "getting to first base on first base." Very funny. If I was line editing, I'd probably change one line and make it this, "You can't really kiss someone you've never had the courage to speak to." Makes it read smoother I think, but that's just an opinion. Great job!!
ReplyDeleteNinja Girl
As the others have mentioned the voice here is FANTASTIC. Your character pretty much leaps off the page. However, he needs to pick up that phone. I think if you have him answer directly after "My subconscious obviously has a sense of humor," that would be a perfect segue. Then you can work the other two paragraphs in later on. It's interesting to know about his crush, but it does bring the pace to a screeching halt.
ReplyDeleteGreat start - good luck!
But this is all telling...maybe show the phone conversation from the second sentence?
ReplyDeleteI really love the opening. It puts you in that breathless, middle of the night moment so perfectly. And how much races through your mind when you awake to that ringing phone. This all leaves me wanting to more about Spencer, Lizzie and the speaker.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm for getting right to the talk and then, afterwards, him thinking something like, "I wanted to be there for her, but I couldn't help but wish she hadn't cut me away from a dream about..."
ReplyDeleteAlso, the fourth line would have more power if you broke it up into two sentences:
If the phone rings in the middle of the night, it's a pretty sure bet that someone has died, or someone just broke up with his girlfriend. But for me, I knew something awful had happened to Lizzie.
Fantastic start. Love the voice and I am very ready to hear all about Lizzy and her troubles! But then we get a bit bogged down in Ally.
ReplyDeleteAfter "You can't really kiss someone you haven't had the courage to speak to" I think it would flow much better if we go straight to the phone call and find out who is calling and why and our MC's reaction to it.
That way you maintain the momentum.
I would definately pick this book up, though!
Love this so far! I agree with other posters that after mentioning the "untouchable" Ally Martin then moving into the phone call is probably better than keeping us waiting to hear. But it definitely makes the reader want to know what's next, and it also definitely nails the MC's voice right away...nice!
ReplyDeleteThis is a great opening, a nice hook, and I'm very interested to know what comes next. The only thing that threw me is the fact that we have two different female characters, evidently of interest to a (presumably) male protagonist. I'm not sure how to classify either one: love interest, best friend, sibling. So I suppose I'm echoing other commenters, too.
ReplyDeleteThis segment kind of falls under the phrase "show, don't tell." I think that mant of these people here are correct, that the immediate drift from the problem at hand (the phone call) kind of throws the reader off a bit. I also don;t think that you should directly clump all that information together. You should break up into pieces, into actiens. Hence "show, don't tell." Perhaps later on she can catch him staring at her and then squeeze in a bit of the back story with her. Other than that, vthis is pretty good. I like the beginning. I think somebody misunderstood the beginning part about winning the lottery. I'm pretty sure that you just meant that phone calls in the middle of the night are never announcing anything good, am I correct? Your voice is good, just make sure it remains consistent because it is very easy to sway away from that. Also, from what I gather, I assume that the protagonist is really into sports? I think that maybe you should also give a little insight as to what the main characters relationship is with Lizzie, but maybe that comes later, when you actually delve into the phone call.
ReplyDeleteLove it! I was totally drawn in, and I would definitely want to keep reading. In the real world, I think one might be a bit groggier after being awoken from a dream. Our narrator seems quite lucid. However, I understand that given only 250 words to make an impression, one feels compelled to pack in as much as possible. We would know the gender of the narrator from the synopsis or back cover, so I don't think that's a big issue.
ReplyDeleteHopefully this comment won't come up twice, because my first went awol on me (sorry)...
ReplyDeleteI really like this beginning, but... I think Anthony Horowitz's Stormbreaker (Alex Rider) begins like this: "When the doorbell rings at three in the morning, it's never good news." I guess yours is a bit different, but I felt like I was reading something really familiar. Maybe consider a different hook? I do like the voice and I do want to know who is ringing and why.
I love the opening - but I wish we'd stayed with Lizzie and whatever horrible thing had just happened to her, rather than turning immediately to the Dream Girl. That's my only real quibble; I really like the voice, and I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI like this narrator right away, but since the conflict is going to have to do with Lizzy and whatever is happening on the other end of the phone, I wouldn't spend so much time on Ally. His obsession with her can come up later, where it doesn't slow down the pacing.
ReplyDeleteBut good job giving me a sense of who this character is--a good friend, baseball lover, romantic, insecure.
People have already mentioned the drift to Ally when the focus should be on Lizzie, but I think you have to go even further. The story starts with the ringing phone. You don't show it, but your first line implies it, so this phone is ringing from the very start of the story. ANd even if you cut the Ally section, he's still not answering the phone. He's having a nice little chat with his audience while the phone rings.
ReplyDeleteIf the story is happening now, in this moment, (and it reads like it is) then we are not all in the bedroom with your MC. In fact, we shouldn't exist for your MC. So who is he talking to?
This is all telling, and because it is, nothing happened here. Your MC talked. I'd suggest you have him forget we exist and show the scene. Have him waking to the ringing phone and answering it. Then we could listen in on his conversation with Lizzy, and their dialogue would get across to us just how bad her homelife is, instead of having him tell us what her situation is. It would be much more involving.
I think you do a great job capturing that boy who is crushing on a girl that he can't speak to. I have been that boy. I really see him in this passage. But beyond that, this is a good hook and the novel is heading at full speed toward something major, obviously. Great comments by everyone!
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