TITLE: Egregious Acts of Innocence
GENRE: Light Horror
Minnie and I were in a car accident last week.
It wasn't really my fault--if the driver in that pick-up had been a lot more attentive none of this would have happened. Sure, I shouldn't have been driving so fast and playing the radio so loudly. I shouldn't have been driving her car in the first place, since I wasn't on the insurance. I shouldn't have coasted through that stop sign I knew was there, even though it was slightly hidden by a tree branch. But he's the one who permanently embedded the image of my best friend's bleeding and unconscious head in my sleeping and waking mind, while his truck sat on top of us blocking out the sun.
Ok, so it was all my fault. Because I caused the accident on purpose. I feel guilty about dragging Minnie into this vendetta against myself, but I saw the opportunity and took it. Well, quoth the raven, "nevermore." I will never put my friends in danger ever again just for the sake of my selfish desire.
I sit in my bed, now, watching the rainfall where the sunrise should be, like I've been doing since five o'clock this morning, and hope to God I'll finally die today. My alarm radio plays Keane as the digital numbers switch to seven-zero-zero.
I roll out of bed and head to the bathroom before my brother has time to hog it.
You've got a good voice going here and some great descriptions. I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing that really tripped me up is the end portion is anti-climactic. You've got a great setup to tell us what happened to Minnie, but then it just switches to getting out of bed. I'd move Minnie there instead, then go to the getting out of bed part.
First off: I love that the radio plays Keane.
ReplyDeleteNow to more serious comments:
I would definitely keep reading. You've established the MC's character and inner dilemmas well and right off the bat--always a good thing. The prose is eloquent and gripping.
However, these suicidal-type characters are tricky to pull off. Now, I don't know more without reading on, but be careful she doesn't become too unlikable. Just a friendly warning.
I think the first (full) paragraph is strongest here. I LOVE the switch of blame from the pick-up driver to the MC. Anyways, I would definitely read on. Good luck! :)
I'd read on for sure! Your MC is unique and driven (no pun intended). I'd like to know a little bit more about why she's so intent on offing herself, but I'd imagine that will be revealed as we read on. I also think your MC fits perfectly with the title, so well done on that front!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I think the voice of your main character is different. I'd like to read more and hear more of what is going on in her head. I would consider skipping the first line: "Minnie and I were in a car accident last week." It might be stronger starting it at "It wasn't really my fault..."
ReplyDeleteI would also cut the Poe reference. I felt that it was a bit cliche and wasn't sure what it added to the narrative...
I like the darkness and sense of detail here. But this is a trite story--a boy or girl who was playing fast and loose and it ended up hurting someone else. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but you have to make this unique in some way and I'm not seeing how it will be unique in this opening.
ReplyDeleteI also don't understand why the protagonist doesn't just kill him or herself, if that's what the protagonist is wishing for. Is there something keeping him/her alive?
I thought you did a good job here, and I liked the normal, everyday ending after the horrific opening. I thought it added a nice touch of irony.
ReplyDeleteBut I wouldn't read on, for the exact reason Neddie mentioned. I don't like your MC. If she was just mean and nasty and killed her friend because she was jealous of her, or something, I'd stay with you. But she's whiny and wishy washy and her friend is dead, it seems, on a whim. She's not upset because OMG! I killed my best friend, but because she has an indelible image in her mind of her dead best friend. She's just too self-absorbed for me.
the first sentence is weak and could be so much stronger. i am sure there is some reason why this guy cannot die--but the clock radio reminds me a little of the whole groundhog day, i-can-never-die and the alarm clock plays the same song every morning scenario.
ReplyDelete