TITLE: Goo
GENRE: Science Fiction
Scene: Hawk has escaped from a research facility with the help of a security guard named Ed. They are hiding out in a mountain cabin. They have been found.
Rapid footsteps pounded heavy across the wooden cabin porch. Ed burst in with a wild expression on his face.
"Ed, what's going on?"
Ed turned to grab him by the arm, jerking him to his feet.
"Hey! Oww. What are you doing? You're squeezing too har--"
"I've got to hide you. They're coming."
"Who?"
Ed grabbed Hawk's bag in his other hand and dragged him toward the hearth.
"Ed," Hawk pulled back. "This is a one-room cabin. There's no place to hide."
Ed halted him at one side of the fireplace, dropped the bag and pressed a small stone. There was a muffled grinding of metal and stone against stone. A section of the stonework suddenly popped ajar. Ed tugged, revealing a cramped storage space hidden within the stonework of the hearth. Ed shoved Hawk toward it. "Get in!"
Hawk tore away, freeing from the grip on his arm. "In there? I won't fit!
"You'll fit. You'll have to. Now get in! There's no time to argue." Ed seized him by his shirt shoulder and tugged him toward the small space.
"All right! All right! Let go."
Ed released him and helped him slip into the tiny space, tucking his feet in as Hawk balled up inside. He then stuffed his bag in on top of him.
"Ed, what is this? Why do you have this compartment?"
"See that iron bar in front of you?" Ed said as if he hadn't heard him. "That's a release lever. Use it to open this hatch if I can't get back."
"Can't get back? Ed! You aren't going to leave me in here, are you?"
Ed closed the stone hatch, sealing Hawk in.
Hawk gasped a desperate whimper. "Ed?"
This scene was amazing. The dialogue was tight and clear, and the emotion was right there with it the whole way. That's really all I have to say. This is wonderful. Thumbs up. ^^
ReplyDeleteI could truly feel Hawk's fear and Ed's determination to keep him safe. I have nothing I would change. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat job! I felt clustraphobic for Hawk about getting in that hatch. Very well done.
ReplyDeleteEven though there's quite a bit of tension, suspense, urgency in this already, I think you could pump it up even more. The second paragraph, the starts with, "Ed, what's going on," has the potential to have a lot more emotion in it.
ReplyDeleteBecause we're in the middle of a scene, I'm assuming Ed helped Hawk get to this cabin. .
Think about ... he's on the run, so how does he act/react to someone being at the door? Or even to hearing their footsteps? Does Hawk have to automatically assume it's Ed? Or could he think it might be one of the people he escaped from?
Also, if Hawk escaped from them, why doesn't he assume they'd be looking for him?
Anyway, I think if you examine your first two paragraphs closer, you'll be able to add more emotion to this scene.
I thought this was really good and highly emotional. The one thing I might consider changing is the order of things when he decides he won't fit in the cubby. If bad guys were after me, I'd be doing everything I could to get in there. Once I was inside and feeling squashed, I might try to back out and deny that it would work.
ReplyDeleteGood job.
Fun stuff.
ReplyDeleteWorking on a story with a character whose last name is Hawk.
Everything in here reeks of drama and suspense.
What is the emotion in here? I get a lot of fear, but wondering what else might be happening. Is Hawk curious about what's going on? Afraid? Or is he just afraid of Ed? Just wondering what Hawk is most afraid of in this situation.