TITLE: Johnny Cannon and the Secret of Building 170
GENRE: MG Historical Fantasy
There ain't much different between shooting a deer and shooting a dog, except for which one lands on your plate. Shooting a man is a whole other story. It feels different, no matter what. It don't matter if he done something to you, your pa, or President Kennedy. Don't matter if he's from New York or back home in Alabama. It don't even matter if he's a Democrat, Republican, or a Commie.
Well, it helps if he's a Commie.
First time I ever had a man in my sights, I wasn't hunting for him. I was after bobcat. Actually, I was hunting turkey and a bobcat set himself up for me to snag him. Figured, since I was hunting for dinner, might as well get me a bobcat.
Hunting is probably the greatest thing I do, besides loading pa's truck full of feed in fifteen minutes. I ain't so good at school, but it don't matter what they tell you, sixth grade is hard, so I don't worry too much about them bad grades. Ma always said I'd be good for nothing but working at a gas station if I didn't do better in seventh. I started practicing changing tires. I wasn't any good at that, either.
But I am a darn good hunter. Reason is, I don't miss. Ever. You might think I'm being cocky, like ma does, but it's like my big brother Tommy always said, "You ain't bragging, you're reporting the news, like Cronkite."
I like the voice of this one a lot. It draws me in and makes me want to read more. I especially liked how you used subtle things like the mention of President Kennedy to establish the time period.
ReplyDeleteMy one criticism would be that this seems like backstory instead of the real story, but really, talking about having a man in your sights gives just enough tension to hook me.
There ain't much different between shooting a deer and shooting a dog, except for which one lands on your plate.
ReplyDeleteNo lie, I laughed out loud at this line.
There is something about this voice that drew me in completely and I'm not really a fan of historical OR hunting (lol) but I really did enjoy it and I'd definitely like to read on.
I laughed at this one, too. I agree with the others, the thing about this particular entry is that it is a really strong voice. I'd definitely want to read on.
ReplyDeleteNothing happened here. You're MC is doing set up and backstory, but there' no story here. What's the MC's name. (I'm guesing it's Johnny Cannon because of the title, but I don't know that.) Where are they? I know it's not Alabama, but it could be anywhere else. I do know it's the early sixties, so nice work getting that in.
ReplyDeleteBecause it's all backstory, there's no hint of where this story is going or what it may be about. Perhaps, instead of having your MC talk to the reader, you just start the story with the inciting incident?
And this is for MG. You've made the MC a bit heartless if he can shoot a man or dog and it doesn't matter at all to him. And what does a 12 year old know about commies? Even if this is a shoot-em-up, kid-saves-the-world kind of story, your kid should still come off as a kid, not a mini adult.
I'm going to mirror some of the thoughts of others on this one. Love, love, love the voice. It is true that the MC comes off sounding like an adult or mini-adult at times, particularly when he talks about Commies and what not. Not sure a twelve-year-old would really be talking about that, but I dunno.
ReplyDeleteBut, yeah, the main thing with this sub is that you set up for some action with seeing a man while hunting (which is very interesting, so good job there), and then go into lots of backstory. You clearly have something about to happen in this scene, but you immediately pull the reader away when you start talking about the MC's daily life, how he does at school, etc. All that can come later, or at least inserted in little snippets into the action as it's happening. Other than that, there's definitely lots of good stuff to go on here. Good luck with it!
Echoing the above comments: great voice and pacing, but the narrator tends to wander off a bit rather than tell us his story. I'd keep reading in hopes that I get an idea of what "Johnny Cannon' is all about.
ReplyDeleteHooked. I agree with above. What they said.
ReplyDeleteThis is good. I really like the way this sets up. All of this tells me so much about this kid, who has a man in his sights, and where it's all leading to is this: he never misses. It's the one thing he does well, despite everything else that he isn't good at--he never misses. Yikes. Definitely need to read more of this.
ReplyDeleteMy only concern depends on subject matter. If he does end up killing someone, I'm not sure that this falls into MG. Without knowing more, it's hard to say. All best!
I've taught twelve-year-olds and I have no trouble with the idea of them talking about "commies" since when I was teaching in 2008 they were all abuzz about "socialists".
ReplyDeleteI love the first line. It made me laugh and really made me interested in the story. The only criticism I would have is that occasionally in an attempt to keep the voice folksy, some sentences get overly complicated especially for a young reader.
Other than that, I don't think it's a problem to use back story in a situation where the character is so unlike anyone most readers will ever run across. I think the novelty and the drama about killing a person will carry you for at least a couple pages. I know I would keep reading a little while longer to see what was happening.
I was still thinking about this one as I read some of the other entries, which was nice because it's not normally something I would be drawn to. I think it's okay that he seems older because this is fiction after all. It makes it all the more interesting that the character is rough and tumble and adult-like all at once. There are obviously reasons he's had to grow up. I mean, he's out hunting for dinner. This is not a typical, modern 12 year old's story. I'm interested :)
ReplyDeleteI like the voice a lot. Though I was put off a bit with the talk of hunting and shooting -- and did think he sounded older than 12 at times. The Kennedy and Cronkite references were good. I'm hooked already -- but would be even more so if you added more action. Maybe if you make the first scene more of a hunting trip? Open with the turkey - bobcat - human hunting scene so the reader actually feels what it's like with the MC to have a man in his sights.
ReplyDeleteThis totally drew me in - loved the voice and would definitely read on. More please! :-)
ReplyDeleteGood voice, but I was confused with the timeline...
ReplyDeleteBecause of the first paragraph, the the line "The first time I ever had a man in my sights..." (which is past tense) I thought this was an adult protagonist looking back at his childhood, but then then it suddenly switches into present tense with the line, "Hunting is probably the greatest thing I do..." which left me utterly confused.
I doubt anyone will see this comment, but for everyone that mentioned they'd like to read more, well, now you can! The Troubles of Johnny Cannon, the end product of all the revising and editing that started with this entry, comes out October 14 from Simon & Schuster. While it's changed a lot since this entry, the first line is basically they same. If you see it, I hope you'll pick it up. (It's available for preorder at the moment) Also visit my website, www.isaiahcampbell.com.
ReplyDelete