TITLE: The Reluctant Assassin
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Whenever my father watched my lessons, he liked to tell me that killing my instructor would be easy. I always countered in my head that there wasn't anything easy about death; it was messy and brutal.
I was glad my father wasn't here today. The added pressure of my father's stare as I trained never failed to nauseate me. Just the weight of the sword in my hand already made my stomach twist. No doubt he would have started calling me pathetic by now or calling me his useless child. But imagining him saying those words to me now had my grip tighten around the sword and my hand steady, a desire building in me to strike back at him.
"Kella, attack!" my instructor yelled. He was waiting for me to pounce on him so we could spar, but I hesitated.
I knew I had to be extra careful because no matter how much I denied it, in the far back of my mind I had to admit my father was right: I could kill my instructor easily. I was cursed to be a fighter, and each spar brought me closer to turning into the thing I was destined to be but hated--a killer.
It was too easy to imagine my swift movements bringing me forward before my instructor could blink, slashing through his stomach. The image of his ripped skin and the rushing of his blood and guts tormented my mind.
I definitely like the title and, based just on that, I'd read on! Just to note, I was a little surprised when I found out your MC's name, because I had been reading it with a male voice in my head.
ReplyDeleteI like the premise you're setting up and Kella's dad seems like a nasty piece of work. I get the sense that you're trying to say a lot in a little space and sometimes it gets a bit clunky for me, for example:
But imagining him saying those words to me now had my grip tighten around the sword and my hand steady, a desire building in me to strike back at him.
Just a bit of a mouthful. I think you could do without the "and my hand steady" bit. Otherwise, good job and good luck!
I think this is a more interesting beginning: "Kella, attack!" my instructor yelled. He crouch, waiting for me to pounce on him so we could spar.
ReplyDeletethis is telling that follows. why not show it?
I knew I had to be extra careful because no matter how much I denied it, in the far back of my mind I had to admit my father was right: I could kill my instructor easily. I was cursed to be a fighter, and each spar brought me closer to turning into the thing I was destined to be but hated--a killer.
Instead of imagining what follows, suggest you show it: It was too easy to imagine my swift movements bringing me forward before my instructor could blink, slashing through his stomach. The image of his ripped skin and the rushing of his blood and guts tormented my mind.
My problem is with the whole premise. She doesn't want to be what her father wants her to be. So why not just drop the sword and walk away? Because he father might call her pathetic? That's not a good enough reason to become a killer for someone who feels so strongly about not being a killer. If she happens to be a morally weak person, show that, and this could work.
ReplyDeleteYou do mention that she's cursed. And if it's a literal curse rather than a metaphorical one, that will make a huge difference, but I do think you have to make that evident - that she is compelled to do this, that she has no choice. Saying she has no choice isn't enough. We need to know why. What's at stake for her if she does drop the sword and walk away? That, I think, is the hook.
I always love a kick-ass heroine. But Kella's strength seems to be diminished by her self-pity. It's great when a character is conflicted, but she needs to be immediately likeable (yes, I know I'm repeating that phrase a lot in these comments) and needs to see the good in herself, too.
ReplyDeleteWhile there are some strong sentences and ideas, I liked, "there wasn't anything easy about death; it was messy and brutal," I found this to be a bit wordy and repetitive. In the above sentence, you don't need the beginning, "I always countered in my head."
I think you say the word "my father" a bit too many times and this could be improved if you were to tighten up some of the prose. Perhaps something like "My father always told me that killing my instructor would be easy." Might be a more powerful way to begin and something that pulls the reader in a bit more...
ReplyDelete