Wednesday, July 13, 2011

July Secret Agent #14

TITLE: Weirs
GENRE: Fantasy

The Holy Brights, garbed in robes of white satin, prepared the altar for sacrifice. The bright, noon-hour Sun beamed into the open roof of the Temple, reflecting off smooth walls and delicate silver trim. Silver urns on pedestals against the walls glimmered with a near-blinding light. Unlit lanterns hugged the hallways; the white floor had been recently swept.

The Sun felt especially hot against Scire's skin, bright in anticipation of the offering. Its light made his flesh glow white-yellow with strength. He hardened his body, armoring himself with the powers of the heavens. There would be no complications today--even Aro never stormed the Temple. The hardening was habitual; pale light glimmered across his body, seeping through the fibers of his clothes. Light radiated from the other Brights as well, Regals who stood at the far end of the room, murmuring one to another. When the Sun tendered so much power, it was a sin to waste it.

Scire slid the heavy gold sleeves of his uniform over his arms and cinched the coat's torso around his waist. Once his gloves were in place, he pulled the white, gold-laced hood over his hair and face. The warm material hid his features, though slits had been cut for his eyes and nose. Completely covered, he could no longer draw energy from the Sun, but his solar stores brimmed with its power. Even without the light, his strength would hold for several hours.

Taking a long-handled axe from a pedestal to his right, he grasped it


  1. I like the way that Scire's worldview suffuses the opening here. We're getting his perspective loud and clear, with cultural notes and details of his faith.

    You're starting just before a big moment, but already suggest conflict and opposition with mention of 'Aro'.

    The only things I would suggest are tiny re-phrasings -- the last clause in the first paragraph (with the sweeping) seems tacked-on or oddly-fitting as-is. I might suggest re-wording it to something like,

    "the white floor was freshly-swept" and flipping it with the mention of the lanterns.

    I would read more without reservation.

  2. I love the imagery here! I can only hope that your representation of darkness is as thorough and engrossing as your handling of the light! I'd love to see what happens next. Excellent job and good luck!

  3. I like any kind of power coming from the sun. So this is naturally interesting to me, however I had a hard time getting through it. My focus wandered. Tighten it up a bit.

  4. I wanted to know what the sacrifice was and why it was being made. That, or a hint of that, would have held me. Perhaps, find a way to work that in. Picking up the axe isnt a big enough hook, I think. But tell me who or what he's about to use it on, and that's another stoty.

    I wondered about your use of bright. You use it three or four times and I wondered if it was intentional or not. In either case, you might replace some of them with a different word.

    You might cut the reference to the hallways, since we aren't in them at this point, and neither is your MC.

    Parg 2 you have his skin anticipating the sacrifice. Is it really the skin anticipating it, or him?

    Light radiated from the other Brights as well, Regals who stood at the far end of the room, murmuring one to another. -- Perhaps an 'and from' in front of Regals. Or if those Brights and Regals are the same people - Light also radiated from the Regals murmurming to one another at the far end of the room. It's unclear as is.

    And cinched the coat's torso - perhaps just 'cinched the coat closed.'

    Taking a long-handled axe from a pedestal to his right, he grasped it. -- perhaps He grasped a long handled axe from a pedestal to his right.

  5. It's clear that this world will be well-built, but from this piece, I'm unsure why I should care. You give us a hint of character, but not enough to latch on to. You give us a hint of story, but again, not quite enough to latch on to.

    I think you throw in too much too quickly. Who are the Brights and the Regals? I would recommend slowing down, because I do think this could be cool.

  6. I'm a big fantasy fan and appreciate world building, but not usually in the very beginning. I think the concept of the sun being their source of power is pretty cool and not a typical fantasy concept, and for that alone I would read on just to find out how you develop it.