Wednesday, July 13, 2011

July Secret Agent #27

GENRE: YA fantasy

"My Anastasha, I've loved ya like the poppies love red since I was five an' three-quarters and, now that we're both fourteen, I think we oughta marry."

This was it. These were the words. The words that had eluded him so deviously this time last year. He had stood before Anastasha, grabbed her muddy, lovely hands with his freckled fingers and attempted to do what he would successfully accomplish today. Back then, the words he meant to say turned into "ums" and "ers" and stutters of similar intelligence. Foul, crafty words!

But not today. Words loved him today. As soon as the fluid string of poetry left his lips, they would infiltrate Anastasha's chest and strike her heart with all the heat of the summer sun.

It would be too much! She would swoon and he would rush forward to catch her in his arms. And then she, his darling Anastasha, would open her glorious green eyes to see his face above hers. Love blossoming like crimson poppies in her cheeks.

Oh yes. This was it. Aleksander's heart hammered in his throat as he snuck through a forest of oak and apple trees. He ducked under a low branch and skirted around the thorns of a hackberry so methodical and habitually as if he'd done this every day.

Alek slowed down. Looked at his feet. The grasses and clover beneath the soles of his loafers lay wilted and brown, packed into the dirt.


  1. This is really good stuff. The MC is really charming, the description pulled me into the story, and I'm quite attached to his quest to get his beloved Anastasha to marry him. There's also a touch of dread towards the end that creates some great tension -- I would definitely read on.

  2. Beautiful, flowing, elegant prose! Me loves :3 But getting married at fourteen? Haha! It's cute to talk about, but I hope they don't actually do it. (Unless it's legal in the fantasy realm.)

  3. Very nice! It's refreshing to see a bonafide hopeless romantic going after the ladies for once! I'm pulling for Alek, but with that last line I'm a little bit worried for him too.

    The only suggestion I have is eliminating the line: "Foul, crafty words!" It's cute, but conversational; it seems like something he'd say more than the narrator would. The line preceding it lets us know Alek's struggle with words.

    Also, nice job on the title! I'd love to see what happens next, so good luck!

  4. I really liked the first line here - it's different. The rest of the narrative wasn't written quite as uniquely but it was all good nonetheless. I would read more.

  5. I like this, but I wonder how this continues. It's fun to have an emotional, wordy (likeable!) narrator for a little while, but make sure it doesn't become overwhelming.

  6. The writing is nice and colorful, but I didn't buy it coming from a fourteen year old boy. The narrative sounds like it comes from a writer, and that makes Alex sound older than fourteen, to me.

    At the end, he's rushing along to tell Anastasha how much he loves her, and I wonder why he suddenly looks down at his feet. Why would he do that? I think, perhaps, he needs a reason. Maybe he trips or hears something in the brush, because otherwise, there really is no reason for him stop and look at his feet.

    The sense of foreboding that comes after that works nicely. I had imagined your hook was that Anastasha refused him, so that impending danger was a nice surprise.

  7. just a thought--i do not think words could elude someone deviously. i have met very few devious words myself. i think another adverb would be stronger there.