Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Logline Critique Round One #37

TITLE: Finding Gib
GENRE: Middle Grade Adventure

Trapped in isolated Graz, twelve-year-old Elias can’t accept the Elders’ maxim, curiosity kills. When he discovers a mysterious voice transmitting by radio, he’s desperate to make contact with Gib or anyone from the outside world who might have answers about his mother. Then lightning destroys Graz’s wind turbine, disrupting the village’s electric well pumps and forcing Elias to journey solo through Andalusia to find help before time, and Graz’s water supply, run out.


  1. I like the sound of this story. Sounds like something I'd enjoy reading.
    It's a little rough though. The "curiosity kills" thing has no tie-in with the rest of the pitch and can be deleted. Is Graz a town? At first I thought it was a prison or something (due to the word isolated - I thought he was completely alone). What is Gib and how are these places connected with Andalusia? Why are they running out of time? If you're just using that as a metaphor because they're running out of water, just say so. Does he ever find out about his mom / the outside world?

  2. Think simple!

    Trapped in Graz, twelve-year-old Elias is desperate to make contact with anyone in the outside world.

    When lightning destroys Graz’s wind turbine, disrupting the village’s electric well pumps, Elias is forced to journey solo through through Andalusia to find help before Graz’s water supply runs out.

    This is how I'd edit it, and I don't even know if you need that first sentence.

  3. er minus the second through - sorry!

  4. Sounds interesting! Gib might be a person or a place, and not being sure made it hard to see where the story might go. Also a minor quibble: "discovers a voice transmitting..." is an unorthodox way to say he heard a voice on a receiver; did he overhear a transmission from the sending station without seeing the speaker?
    I like Simon's version.

  5. The last sentence is pretty much says it all. Because I don't know who Gib is, I'm merely befuddled by his role.

    If you added Elias's age to the end sentence, the only things I would need to know are why he has to journey solo and why you mention time. Limited time is a given with a limited water supply.

    Sounds like a good story!

  6. I'd suggest condensing it to the basic, essential elements and making sure you have inciting event, the conflict, and the stakes. It seems to me that your last sentence has all these elements.

  7. These sounds like 4 completely unconnected sentences. Is Elias' goal to find or return to his mother or is it to find help (and if so, what does that mean?) You need to incite his goal (possibly with the radio?) and then present these other things (water supply, lack of power) as obstacles.

    Good luck!

  8. It's sounds interesting, but needs simplifying and clarification.
    Graz and Gib- a little confusing. Isn't Elias solo journey out side of Graz allow him to find out about his mother? Is that his goal?
    Why is Graz survival important to Elias when he is "trapped" there? Graz sounds like a place he would want to escape from.

  9. The logline is confusing because it has two goals. Which is the main plot of the story: running out of water or finding his mother? I'm guessing it's the water because you list plenty of obstacles and there is a high stake of dying of dehydration.

  10. I played around with this in case it helps shake something loose for the logline. It sounds like a great story in a great setting.

    Trapped in Graz, the isolated city of the Elders, twelve-year-old Elias is getting too curious for his own good. His mother has disappeared into the outside world [or into Graz?] and he wants answers. A mysterious voice leads him to a secret radio transmission station. Just when he figures out how to contact the one person who can help [Of course I'm making things up without knowing how the story really goes or what Gib's role is.], lightning destroys Graz's wind turbine, disables the radio transmitter and breaks the electric well pumps the city needs for its water supply. His search for answers turns to a search for survival as he journeys solo through Andalusia to get help before Graz dries up and blows away with everyone he values most in it.