Miss Snark's First Victim
It's not clear what the stakes are. What happens when he refuses to carry out the assassination? What happens if he does kill the fellow agent? Inquiring minds need to know.
I agree that we need stakes and also some idea of character. Is he an assassin (it seems like it)? If so, what is it that makes him refuse his orders? Is the agent in question linked in any way to the assassination of his father? If not, why is it mentioned? Give us a few more details--you've got room.
I feel like your logline lacks voice. And stakes. I get that those two events will alter his future, but why? Like Mag said above, what happens if he refuses to kill the other agent? Why do we care? Show us more.
There's obvisously a bigger story here. You need to at least hint at it.
Is it Nicholas who refuses the assignment? I thought so, but then wondered if it was his dad. I think we need some additional details here, but it's an intriguing start.
Oh, also, I forgot to ask what is Nicholas' job precisely?
While information is plainly given, this lacks the pitch pizazz that entices us to read more. You want that hook in there. What happens when Nicholas won't kill the agent? What does he risk?
Dramatic! You list specific choices that change your main character's life, but it takes stakes and consequences to convince me that this is a thriller. Good luck!
I can't tell if this is the setup or what happens throughout the novel. You need to tell us what incites Nicholas to strive to get whatever it is he wants (GOAL), and what is going to happen to make it difficult (OBSTACLES).Good luck!Holly
You've stated the problem in very generic terms. I think you really need to raise the stakes, turn up the heat and hook the reader by telling them just what is at stake if he refuses.
This sounds like a thriller, but the logline is just a list. Add some zing by adding the stakes and a little emotional reaction to the two events.