TITLE: The Superpower Meltdown
GENRE: Contemporary Fantasy
Honey Wilson charged into position, her heart racing faster than her feet. This was it. One more point for the win. Kelly set up the volleyball, and Honey slammed it over the net, her famous spike force in full gear. Shoes squeaked on floor wax as the team backed up triumphantly. Honey watch the scoreboard and waited for the number to change. Except it didn't, because the ball hadn't bounced. No explosion. It just... disintegrated.
Amid shouts and ball ashes, the Ref blew his whistle and Coach Rose called a time out. A delayed gasp sounded form the visiter's side and a stampede of parents flooded the court.
"What happened?" Kelly asked, suddenly by Honey's side. "Are you OK?"
Honey peered through a brain fog and nodded. White dust fluttered from Kelly's dark pixie hair. Honey shivered violently.
"Your not OK!" Kelly grabbed Honey by the shoulders and helped her to the bench. Honey plopped down and pulled her legs up, hiding her face behind her knees. Maybe she looked like a child curled up like that. Honey didn't care. Honey didn't know if it was a bomb that had turned the ball to dust. But a disturbing thought kept pushing its way into her mind. I almost died today.
She closed her eyes and tried not to think about anything. Like disintegrating volleyballs.
Coach Rose stood nearby, on the phone with someone. Honey assumed it was the police. Honey lifted her head to see if anyone was hurt. Nobody on the floor. No blood.
I think there are a few gaps you could fill in to make this scene work even better.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's just me, but I think a more detailed visual of the volleyball disintegrating would be nice. (You could cut "no explosion" since we don't have any expectation of an explosion.) But what does it look like as it turns to ash? Does this happen in midair? Above someone's palms? Does anyone get a face full of ash or react in confusion?
The other thing that bothers me is Honey's immediate reaction. Why is this so traumatic for her? If I disintegrated a volleyball, initially, I'd be very...bewildered. Not freaking out, more, "Uh...what just happened?" I definitely wouldn't be weeping, fearing for my life or calling the police.
Maybe Honey knows something that we don't which would explain why she thinks she almost died. But since we don't glimpse that backstory here, her reaction is puzzling.
It's an interesting set-up. However, a few things jumped out at me.
ReplyDeleteFirst, you kept using "Honey" to talk about the character, which is fine, but I feel like it's over used and pulled me out of the story. For example, in the 4th, 5th and last paragraphs, you used her name to start two sentences in a row instead of saying "she." In some respects, it's a personal preference, but I feel like you could sharpen the writing some by mixing it up a bit.
It's bit tell and not show to me. I like the detail of the squeaking shoes on the waxed floor. Perhaps some more details like how did the ball feel right before Honey spiked it and it exploded?
Sorry for the double! I hit enter too soon!
ReplyDeleteIt's an interesting set-up. However, a few things jumped out at me.
First, you kept using "Honey" to talk about the character, which is fine, but I feel like it's over used and pulled me out of the story. For example, in the 4th, 5th and last paragraphs, you used her name to start two sentences in a row instead of saying "she." In some respects, it's a personal preference, but I feel like you could sharpen the writing some by mixing it up a bit.
It's bit tell and not show to me. I like the detail of the squeaking shoes on the waxed floor. Perhaps some more details like how did the ball feel right before Honey spiked it and it exploded?
It certainly created that kind of suspense that gave me goosebumps!
ReplyDeleteAlas when the ball exploded I was like what? That's all the reaction there is? I felt like there were so many sensual experiences in the air which I missed out on. Oh and for me there was too much of Honey - that kind of threw me out of the story as I felt I was starting to count. Not sure if it's a stylistic element you use, but when you get the feeling every sentence starts with Honey it might be a tad too much... All the best!
The disintegrated volleyball is intriguing. I assume it has something to do with superpowers, given the title. Give us more description. Did the ball disintegrate when she hit it, or what? Kelly asks "What happened," a question I have as well.
ReplyDelete:)
This is terrific. There are quite a few typos though. Make sure to proof read your work before sending it ANYWHERE, especially to an online contest where lots of people will be reading it.
ReplyDeleteYou did use the name "Honey" a few too many times. You could tighten it all up a bit, but mostly, I just like this.
I liked the combination of school sports with the supernatural. My first assumption was that she was shaking because she accidentally destroyed the ball herself, and that's what left her shaking.
ReplyDeleteHowever, if the not-exploding volleyball was an attack on her, a strong hint would be nice. 'That was close, she hadn't expected an attack in the crowded gym...' kind of thing.
I, too, want more description of the disintegration. I was slow to realize that the ash was residue because I thought no explosion meant the ball just vanished.
Also, we usually spell visitor with an o. Editors narrow their eyes at that kind of thing.
Looks like fun. Carry on!
I really, really like this scene! Great work grounding us in your world and story right away. This is pleasant reading.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't mind having a more of a visual on the exploding volleyball.
I liked the originality of the scene. You put just enough sparks of intrigue to make the reader want to know more. I saw a few typos and you could have described the place a litte bit more. Good luck with it.
ReplyDelete