Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Logline Critique Round One #9

TITLE: Thicker than Water
GENRE: NA Science Fantasy

Long enslaved for her father's crimes, Eva seeks to catch a killer to prove her innocence and win her freedom. But when she discovers the killer is her dearest childhood friend, Eva must either protect a murderer or become one.


  1. Love the stakes! I don't think you need the "Long" at the beginning.

  2. This gives the stakes and the conflict. The only thing I'd clear up is "enslaved". Is it physical, psychological, or what?

  3. On the first read, even the second, I thought this was a solid, intriguing premise. Third time, I'm wondering--if Eva was imprisoned for her father's crimes, how can she prove her innocence by uncovering a different criminal besides her father? How is her father guilty if the childhood friend is the killer?

    Truly, I think the reveal of the guilty childhood friend is a winner, but maybe some rewording would clarify.

    1. I had the same question as Becky. The whole thing with the friend is great though. Maybe highlight her connection to the friend now - sometimes we lose track of childhood friends and so turning him/her over would be easy. But I'm assuming this is a friend she still cares about...

  4. I agree with the questions above. I'm also a bit confused on how she searches for the killer if she's enslaved. The rest of it sounds great, but I'm hung up on that technicality, so a little clarification would help quite a bit, I think.

  5. I think this is pretty strong. I agree to cut "long" and begin with "Enslaved." I also wondered if she breaks out of prison/confinement to catch the killer. The last line is great.

  6. My first question is why now? If she has been long enslaved, what happens to start the story? Next, it isn't clear why catching the killer will prove her innocence and what this has to do with her father's crimes. Is he the killer? Finally, you say she has to catch a killer but then say she must become a killer. What is her goal exactly? To catch the killer, identify the killer or kill the killer? This needs to be clear.

    Good luck!

  7. I think you've done a good job with this. It reads like a log line, but when I dig in, I have a few questions, though. If Eva is enslaved, how is she free to go about catching a killer? Maybe your inciting incident brings the two together? Also, I don't understand the either/or. Are her only choices to protect or to kill her childhood friend? And finally, is there a way to show that this is science fantasy through your word choices? I could read this as historical, dystopian, fantasy--I don't see any science. Good luck! It's an interesting concept.

  8. Were she and her father wrongfully accused of a crime? A minor rewording of the first clause might clear up the confusion.

  9. "LOng enslaved for her father's crimes' -- WHat does this mean? Was she imprisoned because her father committed crimes (and what were those crimes) and so the whole family is punished, or does it mean her father committed crimes and she got blamed for them?

    The next clause 'to prove her innocence' implies she was blamed for something her father did. But she was 'long enslaved' and this is NA, so I'd assume she was in her early twenties, so how old would she have been when she supposedly committed those crimes? Wouldn't she have had to have been very young? And then it seems her 'dearest childhood friend' is the killer, so wouldn't the friend have been very young, too?

    To me, it's very confusing. I'd suggest starting over and try to include the who, what, when. where, and why of your story.