TITLE: A path unveiled
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Water blurred the ink on council papers into blot test cards. They had shown those to him after his reappearance in a life that belonged to a stranger bearing his name. Now words faded into insignificance - like his past.
Thierry stared paralyzed at the mess and drew his hands back in consternation. He had scattered the documents across the huge oak table in frustration, which had overturned his glass.
“Well, in that case… you need to find somebody else to bully around!” Thierry stamped the spot he had landed on after leaping to his feet. "As I’m — obviously too irresponsible – and dumb -- for this!”
Nobody answered or even looked at him as the council members hurried to scramble together what they had tried to bring to his attention in another futile attempt to involve the new Duke in city and country affairs, or so Thierry assumed. He closed his mouth and slumped back in his chair pouting. Forearms before his face, he stared down in search of what remained of the shaky composure he’d drawn upon before entering the room. And to hide the moisture building up in his eyes at the unjust accusations and unrealistic expectations in him. Their own fault they would need to redo everything.
Thierry peeked at a window where a dove witnessed his most recent humiliation. No sound reached his ears but the bird’s silent corr-corr vibrated inside of him and sent goose rash over his calves. Thierry shuddered when a weird humming responded in his chest.
There's a lot going on with both action and internal dialogue, but I don't actually understand the situation. It wasn't until the fourth paragraph that I realized Thierry wasn't alone. Another sentence or two just helping the reader understand the conflict would benefit this section greatly.
ReplyDeleteWhothewhatthewho?
ReplyDeleteYou really need to do a better job of establishing what's happening to who and why we should care. The second sentence of the first paragraph, in particular, is practically incomprehensible: "They had shown those to him after his reappearance in a life that belonged to a stranger bearing his name." (Who showed what to who when?)
Just making Thierry be frustrated creates no reader investment if we don't know what's going on.
Your first paragraph is very confusing. It doesn't draw me in, it makes me step back and try to parse the sentences. I think if you tighten up your prose (not just in that paragraph, but all over) you'll get a lot more clarity.
ReplyDeleteYou had one whopper of a sentence that was 42 words long. That's too long, especially for YA.
Keep polishing this. There's promise there, but it still feels very rough.
I feel distance from the MC here. Keep your first sentence, follow it up directly with your second paragraph and cut the rest of the first paragraph. See if that makes your first paragraph more immediate.
ReplyDeleteThrough the rest of the first 250, I like the other commentators are a little bit confused. I need more clarity into the situation and I need to get closer to the immediate action.
This is totally confusing and difficult to follow and frustrating to try to figure out.
ReplyDeleteWhat is working here is some of your description. i.e. your first sentence in the first paragraph and the second to last sentence in your last paragraph.
ReplyDeleteWhat I was caught up on was that you use a pronoun (he) before you use his name. It isn't a big deal, but it might reduce some of the confusion.
I wonder if you cut some of the lengthy sentences if the pacing would be smoother and faster. i.e.Nobody answered or even looked at him as the council members hurried to scramble together what they had tried to bring to his attention in another futile attempt to involve the new Duke in city and country affairs, or so Thierry assumed.
Always have someone read your pages to you because sometimes it is hard to hear a sentence the way a reader would read it in our own heads.
Hope this was helpful.
Sorry, but I can't follow this at all. You need to simplify it. Maybe break it into smaller, easier to read sentences. Most of what you have here is long and convoluted.
ReplyDelete