TITLE: HOW TO STEAL A DEMIGOD
GENRE: Fantasy
Chosen for her climbing skills, Crea is one of four thieves plucked from the dungeons of Tibera and offered clemency if they can retrieve the kidnapped young figurehead of the Temple. Crea leads a daring climb into the fortress where the boy is held captive, and freedom seems within reach until they encounter one little problem—the boy doesn’t want to be rescued.
My only problem with this was that I didn't think figurehead was a good description for the boy. I love the conflict of the boy not wanting to be saved.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Patchi on figurehead. I also think you can make this flow better. I'd strike the first sentence and add something like "A convicted thief seeks clemency by leading an assault on the temple where its high priest is held captive. Freedom ..."
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Nice twist at the end! Definitely makes me want to know why he doesn't want to be saved. I'm not clear on whether the other three thieves are working with Crea or in competition with her, which might be good to know. Also feel like some more active verbs throughout would make this stronger. Love the premise--best of luck!
ReplyDeleteThis is quite good. I stumbled on the first sentence a little and had to read a few times to find the stakes and goal. I would suggest you re-word to make these more clear. We need to feel like her very life is at stake here and I'm not getting that here. Why does she need to get out of these dungeons NOW? Also, she needs to choose her goal (as written, it sounds like someone chooses it for her).
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
The first sentence is a little wordy, which made it confusing for me. I loved the second sentence.
ReplyDeleteI suppose the first sentence could be tightened up some, but I really like this. Love the twist of the boy not wanting to escape!
ReplyDeleteI would cut "Chosen for her climbing skills." It's stated later that she will lead a daring climb, so this clause feels redundant.
ReplyDeleteI really like this, but it's a bit wordy. You could probably cut everything about Crea climbing and still entice people to read more.
ReplyDeletePerhaps cur 'Chosen for her climbing skills' for the reason Jennifer Kay gave, and perhaps also change 'figurehead.' You could say High Priest, Emperor, Heir Apparent, whatever he is. My first thought when I read 'figurehead' was a statue.
ReplyDelete