I like the writing very much but don't have a clear idea of what the story is about. I don't know what Jody is turning a blind eye to. I also don't know what her goal is - to reconcile family members or mete out "justice."
H. G., I thought the same thing at first read, but when I took a closer look, realized grandma burned grandpa. And then I laughed. I think this is an unusual direction on the logline, but the voice really gives it flavor. (pun intended). I'm assuming this is a dark comedy, and if so, this logline might be perfect especially if the story includes cooking in some way (besides grandpa).
Yes! I believe Rachel is right! Maybe if the noun, flambe, was changed to a verb, flambeed, the rich wording could remain intact but the action would be clearer.
So very funny! My only comment would be that legally (okay, semi-legally) log-lines are not supposed to end in a question. What about "Now Jody must decide whether grandpa got his just desserts or if she should help serve a steaming plate of justice." :)
I'm so intrigued! Though admittedly a little perplexed. I think this works as a twitter pitch since those are so ridiculously short. But here, if you have room to expand (and you do) take advantage of 2-4 lines and really sell your story.
I'm mixed on the question thing; sometimes they work. This one doesn't bother me because the question offers to choices and doesn't present the reader with a yes/no response. But either way, there is room to expand what this means.
Is Jody in a position to inflict justice (her job)? Are these HER grandparents? What happens to Jody if she turns a blind eye, or what does she risk if she turns them in? I think you want to show this. Also, this sounds like a dark, witty read. :)
I find this a very creative approach to a logline. And I don't mind the question at the end. I just feel there needs to be a sentence in-between the two. Maybe what the stakes are for her.
So I'm guessing that Judy's grandmother set her grandpa on fire because he's a jerk. If this is so, you need to write this as the incident that incites her goal to help grandma get justice (although I would be more specific about what justice means, why she needs it and who is trying to stop her from getting it).
I really like the use of grandpa flambe - but need more. Is the story about the flambe or chasing the grandmother? The past or - or Jody working with the police. SOlid writing - just add some fries!
I like the writing very much but don't have a clear idea of what the story is about. I don't know what Jody is turning a blind eye to. I also don't know what her goal is - to reconcile family members or mete out "justice."
ReplyDeleteH. G., I thought the same thing at first read, but when I took a closer look, realized grandma burned grandpa. And then I laughed. I think this is an unusual direction on the logline, but the voice really gives it flavor. (pun intended). I'm assuming this is a dark comedy, and if so, this logline might be perfect especially if the story includes cooking in some way (besides grandpa).
ReplyDeleteYes! I believe Rachel is right! Maybe if the noun, flambe, was changed to a verb, flambeed, the rich wording could remain intact but the action would be clearer.
ReplyDeleteSo very funny! My only comment would be that legally (okay, semi-legally) log-lines are not supposed to end in a question. What about "Now Jody must decide whether grandpa got his just desserts or if she should help serve a steaming plate of justice." :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so intrigued! Though admittedly a little perplexed. I think this works as a twitter pitch since those are so ridiculously short. But here, if you have room to expand (and you do) take advantage of 2-4 lines and really sell your story.
ReplyDeleteI'm mixed on the question thing; sometimes they work. This one doesn't bother me because the question offers to choices and doesn't present the reader with a yes/no response. But either way, there is room to expand what this means.
Is Jody in a position to inflict justice (her job)? Are these HER grandparents? What happens to Jody if she turns a blind eye, or what does she risk if she turns them in? I think you want to show this. Also, this sounds like a dark, witty read. :)
I find this a very creative approach to a logline. And I don't mind the question at the end. I just feel there needs to be a sentence in-between the two. Maybe what the stakes are for her.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice, but there's not enough information to make me interested.
ReplyDeleteSo I'm guessing that Judy's grandmother set her grandpa on fire because he's a jerk. If this is so, you need to write this as the incident that incites her goal to help grandma get justice (although I would be more specific about what justice means, why she needs it and who is trying to stop her from getting it).
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I really like the use of grandpa flambe - but need more. Is the story about the flambe or chasing the grandmother? The past or - or Jody working with the police. SOlid writing - just add some fries!
ReplyDelete