You've got some great story elements here! And good voice too. It needs to be connected with more detail. To "save dreams from extinction" is too vague. What dreams, and why will going to an asylum help? (I'm unsure whether the dad is a good guy or bad guy here.) I like the "his only friend" part, but tell me what they're fighting for. What does Kurtis have to do and what is trying to stop him? Answer that and you'll be golden.
I agree with Liz. This seems like a really interesting premise that isn't quite coming through in your logline.
How about...
The human race is losing their dreams. To preserve what's left, Kurtis's dad locks him in a nuthouse, the only place dreams are safe. Inside, Kurtis's only friend is the snarky girl haunting his head, who could be a figment of his imagination or the key to saving the world.
Now, I have no idea if any of this is true to your story or not, but if there are stakes like this, we want to know!
I like your premise! Using the word, "nuthouse" makes it sound MG or YA. The dad "dropped" his son off so I think we can asume he's not a very good father. I think just saying "dreams" is fine. I would assume all dreams, the process of dreaming. It sounds like a fantasy. If there is science, you might mention how it's part of the story. Love the "snarky girl" in his head.
I love your voice and premise. I think Rachel made some very good recommendations above. Currently, your stakes are nonexistent, and the reasoning behind dad's abandonment are too vague. Give us a few details and you'll have us hooked!
The suggestions here are great. Since the title is The Girl Haunting His Head, maybe twist that phrase in the pitch so it's not completely the same. It would be a great way to show voice to up-end the title in way that shows the same thing but in different wording.
This is barely a setup. What happens when he gets to the nuthouse? Does he like it there? Does he want to leave? Do the doctors want to get rid of his only friend?
And is father trying to save ALL dreams of ALL people and if so, why would he send his son to a nuthouse?
" to save dreams from extinction" is a great expression to use in your manuscript, but it doesn't tell the reader anything out of context. Sounds like the opening scene is dad dropping him off at the nuthouse because he has an imaginary friend. The logline really needs to tell what happens when he gets there. Is his goal to go back home? Does something happen when he gets there?
You've got some great story elements here! And good voice too.
ReplyDeleteIt needs to be connected with more detail. To "save dreams from extinction" is too vague. What dreams, and why will going to an asylum help? (I'm unsure whether the dad is a good guy or bad guy here.) I like the "his only friend" part, but tell me what they're fighting for. What does Kurtis have to do and what is trying to stop him? Answer that and you'll be golden.
I agree with Liz. This seems like a really interesting premise that isn't quite coming through in your logline.
ReplyDeleteHow about...
The human race is losing their dreams. To preserve what's left, Kurtis's dad locks him in a nuthouse, the only place dreams are safe. Inside, Kurtis's only friend is the snarky girl haunting his head, who could be a figment of his imagination or the key to saving the world.
Now, I have no idea if any of this is true to your story or not, but if there are stakes like this, we want to know!
I like your premise! Using the word, "nuthouse" makes it sound MG or YA. The dad "dropped" his son off so I think we can asume he's not a very good father. I think just saying "dreams" is fine. I would assume all dreams, the process of dreaming. It sounds like a fantasy. If there is science, you might mention how it's part of the story. Love the "snarky girl" in his head.
ReplyDeleteI love your voice and premise. I think Rachel made some very good recommendations above. Currently, your stakes are nonexistent, and the reasoning behind dad's abandonment are too vague. Give us a few details and you'll have us hooked!
ReplyDeleteThe suggestions here are great. Since the title is The Girl Haunting His Head, maybe twist that phrase in the pitch so it's not completely the same. It would be a great way to show voice to up-end the title in way that shows the same thing but in different wording.
ReplyDeleteThis is barely a setup. What happens when he gets to the nuthouse? Does he like it there? Does he want to leave? Do the doctors want to get rid of his only friend?
ReplyDeleteAnd is father trying to save ALL dreams of ALL people and if so, why would he send his son to a nuthouse?
Good luck!
Holly
I like the voice, but I think you need to clarify "Save dreams from extinction." It's too vague.
ReplyDelete" to save dreams from extinction" is a great expression to use in your manuscript, but it doesn't tell the reader anything out of context. Sounds like the opening scene is dad dropping him off at the nuthouse because he has an imaginary friend. The logline really needs to tell what happens when he gets there. Is his goal to go back home? Does something happen when he gets there?
ReplyDelete