TITLE: Bloodbird
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
Five minutes had to be a record for the shortest date of all time.
Bzzp. Bzzp.
The kill order came through at the exact moment the sommelier poured wine into the glass in front of me. Clearly my superiors delighted in choosing the most inopportune time to assign me a target.
Gazing across the candlelit table at my maybe-boyfriend, Christian, I offered an apologetic smile. The X Squad never sent an order unless it was urgent, and that meant I was about to ruin the second date with Christian this week alone.
Bzzzp.
Bzzzzp.
I glared at my clutch, the insistent buzz emanating from it making my fingers itch to chuck it across the restaurant. All I wanted was a goddamn steak. Apparently that was too much to ask.
Christian sighed. “Just answer it, love. I know the hospital’s needs are more important than dinner with me.”
Despite his pleasant demeanor—Christian was the most mild-mannered guy I’d ever dated—I knew he was less than thrilled. But seriously, who could blame him? I’d lost count of the number of times the “hospital” had interrupted our plans since we’d started casually seeing each other three months ago.
Several tuxedo clad servers whisked by carrying plates of sizzling steaks and butter drenched potatoes. My mouth watered and my stomach twisted.
Suppressing a groan, I pulled my phone out to read the incoming text message.
X SQUAD DISPATCH: 8:51 PM; ERADICATOR 793. TARGET: LANDON STRIKER. SPECIES: VUKO. LOCATION: HADE ST. AND DELGADO PL.
You have a great first page here. Lots of voice, no heavy backstory, easy weaving in of the fact that the MC is lying to Christian about what she does. I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteThe only super nitpicky suggestion I have would be to show replace the "I knew" filter with showing how she knows Christian is less than thrilled (clenched jaw muscle or something).
Best of luck!
Why not start with "The kill order came through..." That's a great first line. How would her superiors know she was at dinner, though? They never sent an order unless it was urgent, correct?
ReplyDeleteThis is nice premise, but needs to be cleaned up so it's internally consistent.
And what secret agency would send a text message over a phone? That's about as insecure as it gets...
:)
Good voice. I like, "maybe-boyfriend."
ReplyDeleteThis line: Christian sighed. “Just answer it, love. I know the hospital’s needs are more important than dinner with me.”
Wow, I read that as very passive-aggressive, especially since he sighs first. She seems clueless about it, but maybe he's not as mild-mannered as she thinks.
"Species" in the text message made me sit up and take notice.
Boy, this is a subjective business. I don't read a "sigh" as passive-aggressive at all. It's what he says, and how even-tempered he is about it, that does define him as mild-mannered.
ReplyDeleteIn any case, I agree that this is a great intro that lures us in nicely.
I would assume that, by the nature of your character's job, that phone is going to be more secure than the standard mobile. One thought is perhaps a kill order has a unique ring tone, or vibrate sequence, like, two short Bzz instead of a long one. Otherwise, how is she so certain that's what the call is when the phone is still in her clutch?
Good luck!
Cheers
Leo
I thought this was a very good start. I'm intrigued. I felt like the voice of the main character and your secondary character came through. I could tell your MC's date was charming.
ReplyDeleteI was confused by this sentence:
Despite his pleasant demeanor—Christian was the most mild-mannered guy I’d ever dated—I knew he was less than thrilled.
Why is it despite his pleasant demeanor? Consider revising.
Hope this was helpful.
Great opening! The MC's voice shines through loud and clear, this is clearly the correct place to begin your story. I think you can lose the adverb "casually" in casually seeing each other three months ago. You've done a great job showing us their relationship already so the telling overkill.
ReplyDeleteI'd lose the first sentence and the first Bzzp Bzzp, and go straight to the kill order. I read that first sentence twice to get its meaning. Start strong! After that, I liked what I saw, and I really took notice at the last line. Very well done.
ReplyDelete