TITLE: Silent Fiction
GENRE: New Adult Contemporary Romance
If the Queen herself rode into town on a miniature Unicorn, sporting full clown makeup and belting a Britney Spears classic, I might've had an easier time securing a parking spot downtown than I did tonight.
I wound up and down the three streets that constituted central Fernbrooke, scanning for any gap wide enough to wedge my Camry in and declare the night a triumph.
A flickering streetlight illuminated a space at the end of the street and I released a valiant cry as I pulled into the spot and turned off the car. Grabbing my purse from the passenger seat, I slid out and pushed the button on the front of my phone to illuminate the face. I groaned as the time greeted me with its glowing numbers.
Jin was going to kill me.
In fact, the touch screen informed me, I had five text messages from him most likely expressing that exact sentiment. My phone vibrated and blinked against my palm.
Make that six.
Sighing, I scrolled through texts in all caps demanding to know where I was and insisting my absence from tonight’s festivities would result in bodily injury. I snorted and ignored the impulse to roll my eyes as I hit reply. No wonder Jin went to NYU for theatre. Jin and drama went together like chocolate and peanut butter.
A deep rumble vibrated through my belly.
Great. Now I was hungry.
Reassuring Jin I was on my way, I threaded my way down the street.
I think it's a great start! My only issue is that the great opening line sort of confusingly relates to finding the parking spot.ReplyDelete
I really like this opening--it definitely has voice, and makes me want to read more to see just what the MC is doing, who Jin is, and where the narrative is going to go. My only issue is minor--I think 'valiant' might not be the right word to use here. Triumphant, maybe? Jubilant. But that's just quibbling. Nice job!ReplyDelete
I like it, it drew me into the story.ReplyDelete
My only quibble is that there are too many words. For example:
"...pushed the button on the front of my phone to illuminate the face. I groaned..."
I think it would be better as something simple like "I checked the time on my phone."
It's not a huge problem, but I see it throughout. A little too much description here, a few too many words there.
I still want to read more, though, because I like the feel I get from it as a whole.
The voice here is really great. It took me a few read-thrus of the first line to get it; again love the voice but it was sort of a mouthful to get through at first (could just be me).ReplyDelete
What strikes me most is I feel like your story starts on the next page. You've written as compelling an opening as possible on parking a car--credit to you--though, is parking a car where you really want to open? Does it work to have her already in the place she's just arrived and then check her messages?
I say this mainly because driving places and/or being late to get somewhere are pretty typical openings and you want yours to shine. Just a thought to consider :)
The voice here is terrific. TERRIFIC. Just loved it.ReplyDelete
The only part that tripped me up was the sentence about the queen and the unicorn. I had to stop and think about that, and it pulled me out of the story a bit.
Your first line made me laugh, and I think you have a great voice!ReplyDelete
However, spending your first 250 finding a parking spot doesn't feel like the best place to start. I think perhaps your really story might begin in the next page or so, and that's where you should begin. Just a thought.
I have so many questions! Who is this? Where is she going to meet this Jin person? Why is she late? Why is finding a parking spot such a huge deal? And, why is she 1. groaning, 2. sighing, 3. snorting, 4. not rolling her eyes, 5. having a rumbling, vibrating belly. It's just too much and not enough, all at the same time. This needs a bunch of work still. But I can feel that there's a good story underneath all of this.ReplyDelete
I thought you started too early. A girl looking for a parking space isn't all that compelling. Perhaps start with her arriving late at her destination and actually facing Jin. Then you'll you have a live scene rather than a - this is the situation, folks.ReplyDelete
I wondered why unicorn was capitalized.
I love your first line. Seriously, it made me laugh out loud. I've totally been in that parking situation before.ReplyDelete
The only major issue I had was when you say a deep rumble vibrated through her belly. I think of rumble and vibrate as synonyms, so maybe remove one of thsoe?
I have so many questions and not in a good way here. But looking at the comments you've heard this already.ReplyDelete
I truly think you've started at the wrong place here. But, your writing is sharp. Get us a little closer to the action of the main plot. If your MC being late is the main plot, forgive everything I just said. But I expect we can start with Jin, and your MC: show us Jin angry, or frustrated, or whatever.