TITLE: YOU HAVE HIS EYES
GENRE: YA Contemporary
When Kayla refuses an abortion and her parents kick her out, she moves in with her older sister and struggles with whether she should give the baby up for adoption. In order to make the decision, she has to come to terms with her parents' confusing way of showing love and the lack of love that created her baby.
This is all really awesome and doesn't draw critique from me, except the last part. My first thought is that this is a rape baby. If it's true that she was raped, that's a huge thing and needs to be mentioned in the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteAll good though.
This premise is rife with heartbreaking conflict. Wow. A little bit more of Kayla's voice would help us get an idea of the tone of the story. I also wonder if you can tell us some more specifics in the second sentence. Was she raped? Did she have a one-night-stand in some way related to feeling unloved by her parents? Give us the specifics so that we really understand what she's coming to terms with as she decides whether to put the baby up for adoption. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteI feel like the premise here is great, and you've named some stakes. However, it could use tightening up. The second sentence is especially bulky, making your stakes convoluted. I think you've got a great start here and that it just needs some fine tuning.
ReplyDeleteGreat start. As far as tightening, perhaps you could rephrase the "struggles with whether..." line which is wordy, and include that her sister supports her. Something like: "...she moves in with her older sister, who supports her choice to keep the baby or consider adoption."
ReplyDeleteThe next lines are a bit wordy without saying much. How are her parents acting while she is out of the house? Do they threaten her? What about the father? It sounds like both factor into her decision. Her choice is to honor her family or lose them, or forge ahead on her own and ? I think that needs to be in there.
I think you could tighten this up a bit. Maybe something more like "and must decide to give the baby up for adoption or keep it." The second sentence is a bit wordy and confusing.
ReplyDeleteSo I'm guessing her goal here is to decide what to do about her pregnancy. Decision goals are always tough to pull off without additional outer goals as the only obstacle to a decision is indecision and that's not the mightiest beast. You may need to focus this more on what she wants but cannot have because of this pregnancy. Does she want to go to college? Win back the guy who knocked her up?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I instantly am drawn in by the plight of your character. This logline has all of the necessary elements. I do think that if the baby was conceived through rape that should be mentioned because it only deepens the conflict. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot. Although I can see what Holly means about possibly bringing in Kayla's goals for herself and her future, and how those goals figure into her need to make the right decision about the baby, I also think it might be tricky to add that without making it too cluttered. Overall, I think that this is pretty effective as it is. :)
ReplyDelete