TITLE: The McNifficents
GENRE: MG Contemporary Fiction
Civilizing six rambunctious children in one summer is a near-impossible task for any nanny, but Lord Tennyson is a rather special, two-feet tall mini-schnauzer. The McNifficents is where Mary Poppins meets Lassie.
I love this! So much voice, such a good and unique idea! If anything, just tell us a little more about the uncivilized kids and what Lord Tennyson is facing/why he must civilize them (maybe it's his job as nanny, but we don't know that).
ReplyDeleteSounds adorable!!
ReplyDeleteI think you need to focus on the specific conflict of the main story arc, rather than just giving a general description of the situation. And I don't know that using comps -- i.e. 'Mary Poppins meets Lassie' -- is really considered appropriate in a logline. (Personally I don't like the 'this meets that' formula in queries either, since I think it has a poor connotation because people are always joking about examples of absurd or presumptuous combinations.)
ReplyDeleteBut I love the idea of a schnauzer nanny who's also a hero -- that's really cute. :) 'Mini-schnauzer' should not be hyphenated, however, and I think it would be better to spell it out as 'miniature schnauzer', since that's the correct name for the breed. (Sorry -- I know it's nitpicky, but I'm a dog fanatic and errors with breed names always bug me!) Or you could just call him a 'schnauzer' and leave out the 'mini' part, since the other sizes of schnauzers are relatively rare and I'm pretty sure the little guys are what everyone thinks of when they see that word.
Also on the plus side, I think it's great that his name is 'Lord Tennyson', and I really like your title too.
Good luck with this story! :)
The last line is great for a query but does no belong in a logline. You need to tell us a little more about what will happen if Lord Tennyson does not succeed. Also, since this sounds rather light, it might help to be more specific about what "civilizing" means.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I'm not a fan of using comps, either in queries or log-lines. That said, I love the premise of this and think this could be a really cute story. Once again, try the tried and true "When this happens, that happens" formula and see what comes up. Love the name "Lord Tennyson" and Miniature Schnauzers, so I'd read it on that alone!
ReplyDeleteFunny concept! I wonder if it's contemporary or fantasy? Because a miniature schnauzer as a nanny sounds like it's on the fantasy side to me.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the way you present the titles doesn't work for me.
Good luck!
The last line sounds like a pitch, not a logline, so I would cut it. Also, who is the main character here - the dog? If so, why does he only have one summer to civilize these kids? If not, you need to name the main character and explain why he doesn't want to be civilized by this dog.
ReplyDeleteAdorable concept, but sounds more like fantasy than contemporary. I agree that the last line does not belong in the logline. You should add something about the stakes and what "civilizing" entails. Good luck, this sounds like fun.
ReplyDelete