TITLE: FINDING THE FLEURY COLLECTION
GENRE: MG Contemporary Fiction
When twelve-year-old Savannah discovers her family's maritime museum is failing financially, she secretly applies for a private collection of artifacts. Without the collection sailing camp is out of the question. But when she succeeds in landing the elusive Fleury Collection, she attracts thieves who jeopardize the museum’s future and her family’s reputation, if she can’t find a way to stop them.
This is fantastic. It has all the elements and good voice; all it needs is polishing. The word "collection" is overused and the sentence "Without the...the question" made no sense. When I ignored it, the rest of the pitch worked great, so you can just delete that. Everything else is spot on and makes me want to read it!
ReplyDeleteI would take out "Without the collection sailing camp is out of the question." Otherwise, this is really good.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above. The sailing camp came out of nowhere, so it's not necessary. If you do decide to leave it it, add a comma between "collection" and "sailing". Otherwise, this is a strong pitch!
ReplyDeleteThe goal is a little muddied here. Is she trying to save her family's museum or go to sailing camp (the latter makes her seem a little selfish)? Also, how do the thieves jeopardize the museum and her family's reputation and what is she stopping them from doing? You can't leave important things like this implied. Does she discover their plan to rob the place and need to thwart their plans? If so, you need to state that.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
The line "Without the collection sailing camp is out of the question." seems out of place and unneeded. I'd cut it.
ReplyDeleteWhat does sailing camp have to do with it? Is it Savannah's motivation? Say so. "...because without the museum, sailing camp is out of the question. Her rash bid succeeds, but..."
ReplyDeleteA bold but possibly selfish heroine who gets in way over her head - sounds like fun!
The ideas here really draw me in! I think you can make this logline stronger. I don't think it's truly clear what's meant with the clause, "she secretly applies for a private collection of artifacts." Also, I think $$$ for sailing camp may be her motivation, but it's more info than a logline needs. If you could somehow take the idea that when the adults in Savannah's life fail financially, she solicits the elusive Fleury Collection to keep the family maritime museum afloat. The stakes you give here--jeopardizing the museum's future and her family's reputation--are the same stakes the family faced even before thieves show up. What forces her into an either/or situation? If she succeeds, what happens? If she fails, what happens?
ReplyDeleteAbout the title: Is the Fleury Collection lost? Is that the main part of the story?
Good luck--I'd like to see this story on the shelves!
The current wording implies she needs the artifacts to go to sailing camp. I'm guessing she really needs her family to have the money to pay for sailing camp. Whether or not she secures the artifacts seems irrelevant (and unlikely if she's a MG kid). Focus on the fact that money is tight when she uncovers a plot that could financially ruin her family and her chances of sailing camp.
ReplyDelete