TITLE: Hunted
GENRE: Epic Fantasy
When washed-up basketball player Jim Thompson falls into a parallel world ruptured by rebellion, his goal is to get home, but the people who befriended him trust him for deliverance from the usurper scheming to annihilate them. Jim did, after all, uncovered a sword of power, but if he doesn’t learn to control it, he won’t be any help to anyone, and he may never escape the Vacant Ones who hunt him.
Focus on what makes you story different. Mention basketball, but not 'his goal is to get home'
ReplyDeleteWhat's special about the usurper? Why annihilate?
What's special about the sword? Is it god-forged?
Right now, this reminds me of too many other stories. You want to stand out. And that's tough in less than 75 words.
This is good stuff. Split the first sentence into 2. I'm assuming you're going with a "I can't get home so I might as well help these people" motif, and if so, make that more obvious. If not, why is he helping instead of running and hiding? Also, who are the Vacant Ones?
ReplyDeleteI like where this story is going but it does sound a little like the inexperienced WASP goes and saves all the indigenous people...a story that's oft-repeated, that agents are well over with, and that tells a dangerous story about race and sex. I'm sure that's not what you did, but that's what it sounds like, so make it more clear that that's not what's going on.
"Jim did, after all, uncovered..." doesn't work for me. "Jim did, after all, uncover..." or "Jim had, after all, uncovered..." or even "Jim, after all, uncovered..." but I think you should just drop the qualifier completely. Jim uncovered a sword of power, but...
ReplyDeleteI think you've got way too much here. It reads more like the first part a query than a logline. I started to lose interest after the first line. Stick to just the major conflict.
ReplyDeleteIf his goal is to return home, then everything else you present here must be something stopping him from doing so and I cannot see how helping these people or controlling this sword are going to help him get home.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
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ReplyDeleteI like the 'washed-up basketball player' part. It helps identify the MC and garners empathy for him. I'm assuming he has to escape the Vacant Ones to get home? If so, you could use them as the stakes. Something like -
ReplyDelete...get home. But to do so, he must learn to control the sword of power and evade the Vacant Ones who hunt him (not sure if that works for you. see what you think
How will learning to control the sword get him home? Or does his goal change once he decides to help these people? If so, the getting home goal should be cut from the logline and his new goal emphasized.
ReplyDelete