TITLE: JIN IN TIME
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Seventeen-year-old Esme’s life is ripped apart when her grandmother dies and she is sent to live with the father who abandoned her. Her grandmother leaves her a gift—Jin, a Victorian genie who’s wishes hold the promise of the happy life Esme always dreamed of but there’s one catch—she must travel back in time to destroy Jin’s diabolical former master or her dreams will never come true.
I think you can streamline this:ReplyDelete
When her grandmother dies, seventeen-year-old Esme is sent to live with the father who abandoned her. But her grandmother's parting gift is a Victorian genie who’s wishes hold the promise of the happy life if Esme travels back in time to destroy the genie’s diabolical former master.
I really like it. I have to disagree with Patchi and say I like it better as is. Great premise!ReplyDelete
I think this makes the story very clear, and although there seem to be a lot of stories about having to travel back in time to carry out a quest, the idea of a Victorian genie is charming since it's rather different than the traditional ones! However, I agree that you should tighten this a bit.ReplyDelete
You don't really need, 'or her dreams will never come true' at the end, because that's understood from what comes right before it -- it's also a pretty big cliché, so I don't think you want to end with that. I think that just ending with 'in time to destroy Jin's diabolical former master' as Patchi suggested would be much stronger. You also might want to avoid 'life is ripped apart' since it's kind of a cliché too.
There are also a couple of punctuation issues here. As it's written, there should be a comma after 'always dreamed of', and the two dashes in the second sentence are a problem, because that turns the phrase in between them into a parenthetical phrase, so the sentence isn't grammatically correct. Again, doing something more concise like Patchi's suggested second sentence would avoid that problem.
The first line is great. After that, it gets fuzzy. What does moving in with her father make her want (her goal) and how is this genie the only way she can get it? Try to avoid vague & cliché things like "life Esme always dreamed of". We need a tangible goal that gives her depth.ReplyDelete
I like it, but I think this part: "Jin, a Victorian genie who’s wishes hold the promise of the happy life Esme always dreamed of but there’s one catch" could be simplified a bit to be smoother.ReplyDelete
Your sentence is the middle is on the long side. Some comments above suggest good ways to trim it.ReplyDelete
My only question is this: how did Esme's grandmother get the genie if Esme has to go back in time to kill the former master? The only way it makes sense (to me) is that, when in the past, Esme gives the genie to a younger version of her grandmother. Therefore, the genie, as well as the audience, knows Esme will complete her task from the beginning otherwise the genie could never have given her the task in the first place. To me, this negates the stakes.
I think you need to state the dream that will make her life happy. From what you currently have in the logline, I'm guessing it's the return of her grandmother so she doesn't have to live with her father. Yet I'm doubting even a genie can make that dream come true.ReplyDelete
The one thing that bothers me about this logline is that you're saying in order to be happy, Esme has to become a murderer. Perhaps you can word it a bit differently.ReplyDelete