TITLE: The Kiddush Ladies
GENRE: Women's fiction
Lifelong best friends confront middle-age, while struggling with their own issues, divorced Naomi fears empty-nest and empty life, Becky tries to stop her only son from marrying a non-Jew and Miriam takes extreme action to prevent losing one of the people she loves most, but when a decades old secret comes to light, it threatens their friendship and one woman’s sanity.
I think that in your effort to keep your logline down to a single sentence, you've created quite the run-on. Consider simplifying the personal issues they face (middle-age, divorce) before introducing the secret. It's also not clear if the "one woman" whose sanity is threatened by the secret is one of the two women in the friendship. Finally, I'm not sure that the stakes are clear. Is there a choice to reveal the secret? Does the revelation of the secret create a dilemma for the MC? Without clear stakes it seem like the characters are just reacting to stuff that happens to them.
ReplyDeleteI agree about the run-on sentence. Two succinct sentences are far better than one that never seems to end. Tighten up your language so that your stakes are clear.
ReplyDelete"Naomi, Becky and Miriam try to confront middle-age together, though each struggles with her personal life. When an old secret gets revealed, it threatens to tear their friendship apart."
Although the stakes and conflict are still vague, do you see what I mean about tighter? Their personal conflicts will all be revealed in the book, so no need to bog down the logline with them. Your stakes should take center stage.
I like Gabby's revision, but would also like to see some of the specifics that differentiate this story from, say, Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood, The Bonesetter's Daughter and some of the other prominent books that feature this type of secret from the past. You've got an evocative title. If you can get some of that cultural language/voice into the logline, I think it will help hook us.
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot, but I agree with the other comments that you could break it up into multiple sentences. I also wonder if you could add some additional Jewish "flavor." Your title is great in that regard.
ReplyDeleteI agree with pulling in some cultural details to show why this story is unique on a classic premise. I also agree with the idea to split this into 2-3 sentences.
ReplyDeleteMy first thought was to insert a period after "issues," and you'd have a short sentence that doesn't need a comma. I think the rest would then be okay, even though it would be a lengthy sentence.
ReplyDeleteWow. That is one long sentence (you are allowed 2-3!) It sounds like you have three main characters here which is always tough in a logline. Try to focus on the thing that ties them together (the secret) and use their individual challenges as obstacles.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I think the secret is the focus of your book and those other personal issues are subplots that may not be necessary in the logline. What is this secret? Why did it resurface now? How would it impact these three women?
ReplyDeleteI love the title! And I love the idea - but think you can really cut it down and tell us more about the secret. Lifelong friends confront middle age: divorce, empty nest and secrets.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you can write this better - just get to the good stuff!