Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Logline Critique Round One #34

TITLE: The Sinner Rose
GENRE: Fantasy

In Mithos, where passion fuels black magic and True Love is known as the Intolerable Sin, Martia must make a choice - kill her lover or give into their new wild power


  1. This sounds interesting, but I don't think I quite understand what the consequences of the "new wild power" would be enough to not think her choice is obvious. Is the power life-threatening? Or will society just scorn them? I think that distinction is really important.

  2. Agree with lwrites.

    Also, why would she have to kill him?

  3. I don't mind a tease about the consequences, but I agree 'new wild power' is too vague.

    I assume they can't just separate to weaken the 'curse' but is there some way to hint at that?

    Great start though. :)

  4. I like it. I wouldn't mind one or two more words at the end to confirm that the power stemming from their love is uncontrollable and dangerous to either them or the establishment.

  5. I have to agree that this is too vague, and it doesn't really give us any sense of the plot. It kind of feels as if you started to compose an intriguing logline but didn't finish it, if that makes any sense.

    It might help if you try to frame it in terms of Holly's formula by focusing on the inciting incident that leads to the conflict, followed by the character's goal and the consequences of not attaining that goal. (I know -- it sounds so easy when it's summed up that way, but it's usually not that easy when we try to apply it to our own stories!!!)

  6. Thank you all for your comments! I don't know if we're allowed to post revisions, but if you want to take a look at my new version, I'm posting it below:

    In Mithos, where black magic is fueled by passion, True Love is known as the Intolerable Sin. When twenty-year-old executioner Martia meets her other half, she must decide between killing him as trained or learning to control their deadly power for a chance at happiness.

  7. I have no idea what her goal is. Does she want true love but need to fight the rules of her society in order to keep it? If so, we need some better stakes.

    Good luck!