Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Logline Critique Round One #16

GENRE: YA Contemporary Fantasy

Armed with the only piece of his legacy—a star medallion on a shoestring—a teen boy must stop a misguided whacko from severing the energy link between worlds or lose the one family he's ever known and the girl who helped him discover the man he yearns to be.


  1. I like this. It's clear who the protagonist, what his challenge is, and what he'll lose if he fails.

  2. This is good but could be clearer. We need more description and motivation. Why is the wacko (correct spelling) breaking the bond between worlds and why does this endanger the boy's family and girl? Will they die, will he never see them again...? And "the girl who helped him discover..." could be shorter; it's kind of a mouthful. But you've made it clear what's at stake and what his course is, so you've got all the basics covered!

  3. This has most of the required elements, but would be stronger if we understood why he's going to lose his family and girl, as well as how this medallion is going to help him (or not). Also, try to avoid vague & cliché terms like "the man he yearns to be". These don't tell us anything.

    Good luck!

  4. I think you've done a great job of making the stakes clear and making the reader want more.

  5. I don't like "misguided whacko." Whackos don't need to be misguided, they are off the rails to begin with. How about "the misguided technician/scientist/poobah..." which would give us an idea who the nameless teen is up against. Or even "Riley must stop the unhinged Doctor Nutjob from severing..." I do like the lone clue, the family tie and the girl ingredients.

  6. I think you need to use the main character's name and explain why the severed link is so terrible. Is he on a different planet than the family / girl so he can never see them again if the link severes?