Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Logline Critique Round One #15

TITLE: Flash
GENRE: YA paranormal

17-year-old Benjamin is cursed as a liaison between the living and the dead. In exchange for giving the dying much needed closure, he receives a glimpse of someone set to die before their time. When his next flash shows a girl who has crept into his heart, he races against time and nature to save her life.


  1. I would say gift instead of next flash, but otherwise I really like this.

  2. How is he a liaison? That part confused me. Does he escort people to the next life? Clear that up and the rest looks good.

  3. You need to find a way to make the first two sentences into one short setup, as the final line is your inciting incident & goal, and you still need to tell us a little more about why this is going to be difficult.

    Good luck!

  4. I assume on liaison he provides closure such as last messages and such. That would be awkward. And possibly entertaining. Knowing someone was about to die is a different ability (I would assume).

    I don't understand racing against nature to save her. Events? He's interfering? Circumstances?

    As I don't know exactly what's happening in the story, I'm not sure what would be a more precise way to word it.

    Otherwise the premise sounds good. The story sounds intriguing.

  5. Does he have a choice of whether to be a liaison? The current wording implies he accepts the dying closure so he can get the glimpses of those to die. I'm guessing he doesn't actually want either.

  6. This one seems really close to me. I assume that the second sentence is an explanation of what it means to be a liaison. Would it be possible to trim and combine the first two sentences? The words "cursed as" could go--you don't explain why it's a curse, so it doesn't add much.

    The last sentence is too vague. What exactly does he need to do? Who or what is threatening her? What obstacle must he overcome to save her? I'm also worried that he's racing against nature. If it's a natural death, how is it before her time? There's potential for a heart-wrenching conflict here. It just needs sharpening to reveal it.