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Okay, but what are the stakes? Does she face a choice that might allow her to be with him, but at a cost? We need more.
I'm going to disagree with Magnanimoe (sorry!) I thought this logline was perfect. It has voice, it's succinct, and I'm interested.
Definitely an interesting premise and a succinct logline, but I feel like it's a familiar story and want to know what specifics make this one different than other paranormal romances of the undead variety.
I love the brevity here, but I agree with Magnanimoe in that you need to state your stakes. Your stakes will show readers why your book is different, and why their life won't be complete without reading it.
I like this! But I need a hint at what happens next. So he's dead...so what? It's there a chance they can make it work, is she thinking of killing herself to join him, is there a way to bring him to life...? You stated the problem and the stakes: what are they going to do about it?
I'm currently reading an ARC copy of Scott Westerfeld's AFTERWORLDS. I also liked both the British and American "Being Human" TV shows. I think you need something very specific - something more - than a YA paranormal romance with someone who is dead.
I want to know why yours is special. Its brief, sure, but there are already so many books like this out there, what makes yours unique?
This is a good starting point, and another one that probably works on twitter, but we need a little more for a contest. Like the others said, you'll need more for your pitch with YA paranormal, which is a tough category to pitch right now since it's been so popular. You'll want to show what makes your undead love story unique--what decision does Claire face, what does she risk losing, and what are the larger issues in the story?Good luck!
(sorry if that sounded bossy--I just want to make sure your pitch gets noticed!)
While I agree with those who've praised the fact that this is so straightforward and succinct, I also have to agree that you haven't given us enough.It's so tricky to find that balance, and I think if the situation were more unique, this tight and short of a logline would be effective. But the problem is that, as others have said, this sounds like a rather familiar story, so I think you're going to need to include some more specific details to make it stand out.
I see there's a divide on this one. I like it. It's short, intriguing and funny. Keep this opening line if you do decide to add more.
This opening line works. Please continue with the difficult choices, stakes and consequences that take the line from premise to sales pitch. There's not enough info here to distinguish this story from the many others in the genre. Good luck!
This would be a great tagline. As a logline, it needs a lot more than just a setup. Is getting a boy Claire's goal? If so, what else is going to happen in the 300 pages of this book? She cannot possibly just worry about him being dead for the entire book. Give us more of the conflict and stakes.Good luck!Holly
There have been lots of books with a character who is dead. Often they involve a love story. You need to highlight what is special about your story. Tell us more about the obstacles these two will face.