Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Logline Critique Round One #11

TITLE: Tarot Traders
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy

Toria, a tarot trader who uses gypsy magic to keep re-living her eighteenth year, is on a collision course with the most devilish of tarot thieves in Spain, while she attempts to pull off a flawless con, exact the perfect revenge, and save Tami, her last surviving family member.


  1. I really like this one. I don't think the comma between Spain and while should be there.

  2. I'm confused. I don't know the conflict and I'm not sure about the stakes. You give me more questions than answers. Why is she trying to relive her 18th year? The con? Last surviving family member? I think this needs work; try to simplify.

  3. I really REALLY like the world-building / magic concept!
    The tarot thief, flawless con (too vague), perfect revenge (also too vague), and saving Tami all seem unrelated. Flesh out a little more detail.
    Also, the reliving-her-18th-year thing is cool and easily flashes out the magic, but I can't tell if it's connected to everything else (will this tarot thief steal her power to stay the same age?).
    Love the idea!

  4. There's a lot going on here, but I can't find a goal or stakes or much conflict really. Why is Toira trying to accomplish? You list three things she's trying to do but I don't know why she's trying to do them. Also, it sounds like this tarot thief may be trying to stop her but I cant tell from this. "Collision course" is too vague.

    Try to refocus it on your character's journey rather than the elements of the plot.

    Good luck!

  5. There are some fascinating elements in this, but I feel lost. I don't understand what a tarot trader does or is. I assume a tarot thief would be a problem for her, but I don't know why. And I'm not sure what the things she's trying to accomplish have to do with each other or the tarot trading or the thief.

    When I try to take all the elements and guess how they relate, this is what I come up with (not in logline form):

    Toria is using tarot cards to re-live her eighteenth year so she'll have time to pull off the con, get revenge, and save her last family member. If the tarot thief steals her cards, she won't be able to do those things.

    Is that close? If so, you just need to rearrange the order and make the relationship between the events clearer. Because I'm close to being drawn in. I just need a little more clarity.

  6. I think the concept of a story about gypsy magic set in Spain is great, but it feels almost as if this is just a list of things the character is trying to do. It doesn't make Toria's main goal clear, or show how these things are connected to each other.

    And I agree with Holly that 'collision course' is too vague. Is the tarot thief out to steal the particular cards Toria needs to achieve her goal, as Abbe suggested in her example above? Also, it's not clear what Toria wants revenge for, and I think that if you're going to bring in the subject of revenge it has to be very clear what the character is avenging. We can only guess that something tragic might have happened to her family, since there's only one surviving member, and there's no indication of who she's trying to get revenge against.

    Even if you use a different structure for the final logline, it should help to see where all the pieces fit if you try plugging them into Holly's basic formula; focus on the inciting incident, the resulting conflict, the character's central goal, and then the consequences of failing to attain that goal. Some of the other things that are going on in the story may turn out to be superfluous in the logline.

    Good luck! :)

  7. WHo is your character? (Toria)
    What does she want? (To save Tami)
    Who or what is stopping her? (------, the tarot thief.)
    Why is he trying to stop her?(------)
    How will he do that? (-----)
    What will happen if Toria doesn't succeed? (------)

    Fill in the blanks, and then use that info to build your log line. ANd if you can fit it in, also tell us when and where we are.