Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Logline Critique Round One #21

GENRE: YA Fantasy

When Ruby falls in love with Henry, an Ancient who needs her blood to survive, she must choose between standing with him in a battle against a delusional Ancient leader and escaping with her Arrano family to ensure their safety.


  1. This is great: you have all the elements and it's brief but descriptive.
    You could make it a little more dramatic. You use some party phrases like "falls in love" and "stand with him in the battle," which are fine, but if you punch it up a little this will really stand out. Give us a couple adjectives describing Henry ("a lonesome Ancient who regretfully uses her blood..."), or Ruby's love for him, as well as adding descriptors to this battle of the Ancients ("in a climactic battle against power-hungry Ancients bent on ruling the world"...you get the idea).

  2. I like it but I don't have any idea who Ruby is, and knowing would help me care for her more.

  3. A choice doth not a logline make.

    What exactly does Ruby want here? To save Henry? If that's her goal, then her choice should be made at the beginning of the novel which makes me wonder what else is going to happen here. If this is actually the ending of the novel, you need to tell us what she wants before falling in love with Henry complicates the whole matter.

    Good luck!

  4. First: catchy.
    Second: that is one long sentence.
    Third: I'd like to know more about Henry. An Ancient what? I'm going to bite the bullet and say vampire. Yes, the blood reference implies it, but it's nice to know for sure.
    Also, does he need her blood or just blood? And what kind of battle are we talking here? Broadswords, rifles, or fangs and claws?
    Just curious. There may not be room for that sort of detail.

    I like the conflict.

  5. Why are these two choices separate? Won't standing up to the Ancient leader also save her family?

  6. I think this is really good. The limitations of a lifeline are frustrating. Everyone wants more info. I think that you found a balance that gives enough to make it interesting and while holding back the juicy stuff. Nice job. My only suggestion is to change the word and between leader and escaping to the word or. I think this is her big choice to make.

  7. I think the biggest thing holding me back is that I don't quite understand the full impact of the two choices. For example, I don't know what an "Arrano family" is (as opposed to a regular family). I don't know how outnumbered they are in this battle, how likely they are to win or lose. I also don't know what Ruby's aspirations are, so I'm having trouble connecting with her there.

    I'm sure it's a heart-wrenching choice in the book, I just don't feel it so much in the logline. I hope this is helpful.