TITLE: Too Hot to Handle
My name is Colleen Montoya, and I just set my ex-boyfriend on fire. Not literally, off course; that would be bad. I know that because I'm not totally bat-s*** crazy. I set fire to his picture, or to be honest, every picture I had ever taken of him dating all the way back to high school. And no, I did not make any copies. It was just me, a shoebox full of bada**, hot-guy pictures, lighter fluid, and a fire extinguisher.
After I put out the fire I got married.
Two years ago I was more than just a little confused like I am now. I was more like the lyrics of that song, "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little insane.". In an attempt to salvage what little sanity I still had, I decided to swear off men. Sure, they look good on paper, but that's just a shell game perpetrated by mothers who long to be grandmothers. In real life, they belch in their sleep and ask if you have PMS just because you'd rather eat M and Ms and watch the Lifetime Movie Network than have sex. That Y chromosome results in behavior only a mother could excuse, like leaving wet boxer briefs on the bathroom floor because they forget to take them off before they get in the shower.
Yes, that happened.
So, I must have been suffering from a form of temporary derangement, maybe from an insect bite (we have a lot of big, aggressive, science-fiction type insects in South Florida).