Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Logline Critique Round One #18

TITLE: Genied Away
GENRE: YA Paranormal Mystery

Jean sends her annoying twin sister Maya to the genie world with her haunted Ouija board. But when she is forced to become the guardian of a portal in the form of a medallion that belongs to Moira, and the shadow people pelt her with stones to get it back, it’s up to Janna to find her sister and bring her back, even if it means getting lost in the maze of the beyond.


  1. I was confused by the names here: who are Janna and Moira? A few other things also went unexplained: who are the shadow people, and why does Janna need to get Moira back? It seems like you're trying to do a little too much here. Perhaps simplify the stakes and focus on just one aspect of what's going on here. You've got a lot of good bones; it's hard to simmer them down to the essentials.

  2. Are Jean and Maya and Janna and Moira different people? I would suggest focusing on 2 names max, and leave the rest as labels like sister or Queen of the Underworld (whatever works for your story).

    Does Jean send her sister by accident, or on purpose? This is important because it will show what drives Jean to get her back--loyalty or guilt.

    Since we don't know who Moira is, maybe you could twist that line to say, when a [descriptor for Moira; evil queen, etc] forces Jean to become guardian of the portal, Jean agrees [in order to win her sister back?]. Then what does she do or risk to find her sister, and what will happen if she doesn't?

    Sorry that's messy since I don't know the details of your story. You have good detail but maybe too much for the pitch. Think bigger, overarching story. Maybe a few others will have more suggestions.

  3. I wasn't sure who the "she" was being referenced to in the second sentence. I want to assume Maya, but since Jean is the main voice, it could also be her. I also questioned why we should care about Moira. The story sounds interesting, just needs to be tightened a bit.

  4. First, does she send her there by accident or on purpose? And does she want her back once she does, or does she only decide she HAS to get her back because it's now complicating her own life? This makes her seem very unsympathetic. And are Jean and Janna the same person? And what about Maya and Moira?

    Good luck!

  5. I'm going to assume Janna is Jean and there was an accidental name change. In which case, hello! Mean sister to send your twin to an alternate dimension! I'm totally not liking her, although I do sort of have to cheer her on just to get her sister back. That's twisted.

    Okay, logline. There's alot going on here. Too much actually.

    I like the first line, evil as it is. No, I really do. It's afterward that everything gets too complicated.

    Jean sends her annoying twin sister Maya to the genie world with her haunted ouija board. Except Jean soon finds she needs Maya. Jean is the guardian of a portal, and the shadow people want it back.

    or something like that.

  6. I'm guessing that the second pair are the genie world counterparts to the first. But I am *guessing*. If I'm right, focus on one pair and refer to the others with "on the other side" or something. Four names in such a short space is pushing it.

  7. There's some name confusion here that needs to be cleared up. I'm also concerned about whether this main character is going to be likable after sending her sister to the genie world. The current wording makes it sound intentional and unprovoked.