Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Logline Critique Round One #12

TITLE: Gwenyth and the Golden Spine
GENRE: MG Fantasy

Twelve year old, Star Trek obsessed Gwen is bullied mercilessly by Soda Pop Seth and his gang. As a result, she uses her iguana's magical spine to brutally bully them in return. But, will Gwen be able to handle the terrible consequences resulting from her misuse of magic and desire for revenge?


  1. In a logline where you are given 30 seconds to answer "What is your book about?" you don't need character names, just identities. I'd also get rid of the question and make it into a statement. Good luck.

  2. Definitely make it a statement not a question. "Gwen must deal with the consequences..." Also you're missing some hyphens: "twelve-year-old" and "Star Trek-obsessed."
    Cool idea.

  3. I'm wondering about likability and buy-in for your character. "brutally bully" does not imply sympathy for your MC. Since she is mercilessly bullied, maybe if it's pitched more like a last straw occurrence. Something like:

    When [law straw incident of bullying by Soda Pop] happens, Gwen's had it. In her anger, she ignites her iguana's magical spine and [what happens?]. Now that her pet's magic is loose, Gwen must [name what she does or risks] to handle the consequences.

    Maybe it doesn't make sense for the magic to be "loose" but the point is to cast Gwen in a light where she turns to magic to defend herself rather than painting her as a revenge character mad with magic, which is what the brutally bully brings to mind for me.

  4. First, we need to know what makes Gwen FINALLY fight back. What is the final straw that incites this story? Also, what is she trying to accomplish by bullying them? This is her goal and we need to know what that is. A "desire for revenge" is a little too vague to work as an external goal. We need something specific that, when accomplished, would mark the story as done.

    Just a small note but never ask questions in loglines. They are okay in taglines but not loglines.

    Good luck!

  5. The fact that she "to brutally bully them in return" makes me not like the main character. Can it be reworded to seem less cruel? Even if you just went with "to retaliate," I think it'd be better.

  6. There's a fine line between standing up to bullies and becoming one yourself. I'm not sure what happens in your story, but this logline makes it sound like the main character becomes a bully. I would agree that doesn't make her very likeable.

  7. I love the details that you include in your logline because it makes the story and MC more clear to me. I have to agree with the "brutally bully them in return" comments above. What if you replaced that line with:

    When they finally push her too far (or be more specific about whatever the last straw is), she uses her iguana's magical spine to give them a taste of their own medicine, but her misuse of magic threatens to destroy [insert the only thing she cares about here].


    When twelve-year-old, Star Trek-obsessed Gwen is bullied mercilessly by Soda Pop Seth and his gang, she uses her iguana's magical spine to give them a taste of their own medicine. But her misuse of magic threatens to destroy [xyz], if she can't [xyz].