Tuesday, May 30, 2017

First Kiss #4

GENRE: YA Paranormal Romance

I remove his cap, and he lets me. I run my fingers through his hair–silky, threatening. I'm not thinking, I'm reacting. I've lost control.

“Are you like your siblings?” I ask him, staring at his parted lips. “Dangerous?”

Sebastian makes a humming noise, and he finally says, “I wish I could say no.”

“Could you hurt me?”

“I could.”

“The same way that Lucas could? Or any human being?”

He shakes his head, and I cringe, but ask the one question I fear most: “But would you?”

His lips find mine. With fervor, with longing, they ripple along my mouth like undulating waves, the kinds I used to crave.

My breath catches.

He's melting into me, marking me with remnants of lemons and pine needles, and I'm trying to absorb him. His tongue snakes around mine. Like a snare, it entraps me in all his pieces, and I wrap my arms around his waist, squeezing. As his arms glide up my neck, I'm losing myself, losing control–when a flash of glowing eyes takes me hostage.

I yelp away from him, freezing. The image jolts me like lightening, electrifying my senses.

“What is it?” Bass breathes, his hair tousled and ragged.

I look into his ashen eyes, searching, searching–but finding nothing. There's no glow that scorches my skin like coals, no savagery to cut me like barren teeth. I’m imprisoned in a web of dismay and desire.


  1. There is no tenderness in this scene as sometimes in real life. Lust isn't always Romeo and Juliet.
    That said, this is really a strong piece of writing. It had my stomach in a bit of a knot wondering what was going to happen. I'd read more.

  2. The tension in the build-up is palpable and unstable, which I really liked, but there were a few things that threw me off a little:

    - How was running her fingers through his hair threatening? That didn’t make sense, I wanted that one word removed or justified.
    - It does have a very tiny Twilight “say it out loud” vibe. I don’t mind, this it works, it doesn’t flop like Twilight does.
    - I needed something to bring his lips to her. It read like the lips were wandering around looking for something to kiss. She’s watching him, she should see it coming (even by only a few milliseconds) but somehow it seems to catch her off guard as though she doesn’t notice until the lips are actually touching.
    - Why does she not crave waves anymore? Wondering if this is a comment on something else outside of the scene, so not necessarily something that needs addressing here.
    - The melting paragraph: This really confused me and I wasn’t sure if he was human or if there were tentacles or something involved given the paranormal genre. What was “his pieces” referring to? How is he marking her with lemon and pine needles? That was weird and not sexy.
    - Switching the name from “Sebastian” to “Bass” mid-kiss scene was off-putting. I don’t mind the nick-name use in general, but here it should be one or the other and if she’s switching what she calls him in her head, it should be for a reason and stay consistent.
    - “Yelp” is a sound, not an action, you can’t “yelp” away from anything.
    - The last paragraph was super confusing, I had no idea what she was talking about, guessing she was looking in him for whatever attacked her with the glowy eyes. But again, I suspect it ties to bigger picture things that would make sense if I were reading more than just a page.

    Overall, this works, there is an undeniable pull here that demands attention and I wanted to keep reading.

  3. Wow. This was intense! I like it a lot. I especially loved the description and powerful similes in your last paragraph. I appreciate your use of repetition in some of your sentences. (Such as "Searching, searching")....it adds urgency. As for suggestions, I just read KP17's and they pointed out some of the same things I was wondering about. Overall though, this is captivating.

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  5. "makes a humming noise" = hums. He hums. Or purrs. Or murmurs. Or... anything else. The word "noise" bears an air of annoyance with it and I don't think that's what you're after here.

    Her reaction to being kissed was quite confusing to me. I will admit that I don't read supernatural romance, so perhaps I am off-base in my criticism and that this is normal for the genre. Each sentence is coming at me from different directions and I feel a bit assaulted. If that is how she is meant to feel, then job well done. I just come away feeling as though I've been through a fight rather than a kiss.

    I LOVE the last paragraph though. Now I'm really wondering what is going on. A great turn to the scene and the emotional description is really engaging.